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“I’m not, like, a girl.”

Hi ya’ll and welcome to next installment of The Bachelor recap, episode two! Last week’s review was over 3,000 words, yikes! I promise it will be much, much shorter this time around. Tonight the remaining 18 women travel to Ben F.’s hometown of Sonoma, CA for drama! Tears! And, oh Jesus, lots of making out! (That is going to be so comfortable to watch.) But the most important thing of tonight’s episode is…

#helpme

Scotch the Jack Russell Terrier! Kudos to Ben F. for having such a sweet pup. Fortunately, Scotch will be making quite a few appearances in this episode, which is yay! for me. It was such a nice departure from all of the other dogs. #woof

The episode begins with the ladies arriving at Ben’s home in Sonoma, which only leaves me to wonder, is that Ben’s real home or just a provided property from ABC? See? I don’t know what’s real anymore! As the women pile around the pool, Ben immediately pops open the vino. That’s my kind of party! You know, the kind where I have to battle 17 other women for a date with a tan man, all while casually sipping a nice merlot. Well, I’m not sure if it’s actually a merlot, but it is red and probably not Yellow Tail.

But it’s immediately down to business when Kacie B. is handed the sacred first date kard! Way to go KB from Tennessee! I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Bitchy model Courtney sure is disappointed. She thinks Kacie B. is annoying and hopes she doesn’t get a rose that she must receive on this date or it’s immediately back to the South. So in the words of RuPaul: “Good luck and don’t f*ck it up!”

Ben takes Kacie on a little trip around “downtown” Sonoma or as I like to say, a deserted town with a church. This is how this went down in my head: Isn’t Sonoma so beautiful at night? (Late, late at night.) You can see so much! (Not really.) Let me lead you into a dark, unfamiliar town down empty streets. Don’t you just love being kidnapped?

And then they are lead to another piano! Maybe Ben really does play the piano after all? Now I feel like a beyotch for not believing in him. I’m sorry, Ben! Anyway, this date is lame. Kacie bought a baton at a candy shop and showed him her skills, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, she literally threw a baton up and down and twirled it around. Welcome to America’s most quaint town with America’s most boring couple! I know that I love Kacie so much, but it’s more fun to be cynical. And the two of them together, while cute, is pretty PG.

During dinner Ben told Kacie that meeting a girl like her reaffirmed that doing The Bachelor was a good idea. How sweet. Of course she was presented with a rose and because he’s so comfortable with her, he takes her to an empty theater for a special treat. (Seriously? You take her around a practically abandoned town. You buy her candy at the candy store. You force her into her to an empty theater. This sounds more like The Serial Killer to me.)

To show how much family means to him, and this part really creeps me out to this day, Ben F. starts showing home movies of Kacie. Where did he get these? And then it transitions into home movies of Ben and his family. WHY, WHY, WHY? Is this romantic? Ben is crying because he misses his father, Kacie is crying in her confessional because she wouldn’t know how to feel if her father passed away, then there are more videos of Ben playing the piano as a child. Ok, I get it. Ben can play the piano for reals. ABC, you are slowly gaining my trust. But whoever helped Ben think of this date needs to be fired. Immediately.

#theycry #thentheykiss

Ben chooses Brittany, Nose Ring, Oklahoma, Blakeley, PhD, Jenna the Blogger, Shawn the Mom, Mammoth, Samantha, Jamie, Divorcee and Jacklyn to accompany him on the group date. Blakeley says, “I don’t want to go on a date with 11 other women. I want a date with Ben.” But, if I remember correctly, last week you were practically making out with Monica the Mammoth during cocktail time. You and your big boobies are confusing me, girlfran!

After some more words from Ben about his love of community and Sonoma (I wonder how many times he said Sonoma this episode? I’m not going to count), it is revealed that the women have to audition and perform in a production written by… drumroll… children! The looks of horror on the women’s faces say it all… um. It says something, ok! During a montage of the women making asses of themselves, some do surprising well and others bomb. And Blakeley is wearing a very appropriate outfit for children!

#cutejumper

Naturally, the ladies start drinking before their performance of “Prince Pinto of Bachelorville.” Get it? It’s because he’s a bachelor and makes wine! The plot of the play was lost on me — basically the women are dressed up as weasels, wizards, a princess and a gingerbread man — but all you need to know is that most of the women get to kiss him (horny kids!) and the show ends with Ben stripping down to furry underwear.

#mythoughtsexactly

During champagne by the pool, everyone openly discusses how much they dislike Blakeley. Samantha (seriously, who?) is so upset by B’s behavior that she goes to sit alone in the bathroom. Her message must have really come across strong because Blakeley is now on her one-on-one time with Ben! Ben thinks that Blakeley is super grounded and go with the flow, and that everyone likes here. Well, newsflash! Nobody does. Ben is truly oblivious, isn’t he?

PhD doesn’t understand Blakeley’s strategy. “I know it involves a lot sex appeal, which probably worked very well for her in the past.” Well, PhD, there is your answer. Blakeley’s strategy is her sex appeal. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK because it seems like her strategy worked since Blakely received the next rose.

While the other women enjoy champagne and fighting for sexy times with Ben (he makes out with Oklahoma and Blakeley), the remaining women are about to receive the next one-on-one date card, which goes to Courtney. “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” she slyly asks Kacie after Kacie reads the card allowed. I told you! Bitchy. Courtney has truly spent the last few hours “deflating” the other women emotionally with her weird monotone voice and sensually biting her lip.

All you need to know during Ben and Courtney’s one-on-one date is Scotch the Jack Russell Terrier was there!!

#alltherosesforscotch

Ok, I guess you need to know more. The two venture off into the forest, which prompts me to ask, “what the eff is wrong with you Ben?” First you take Kacie to the dark streets of a strange town and now you’re taking Courtney into the middle of the forest while you force your dog to howl. Maybe PhD can give you some therapy.

They talk. Ben opens up the vino. (Wine should really be the 26th woman of this competition.) Courtney calls Ben a good dad with his little puppy pup. She talks in the baby voice. I am frustrated. She licks or bites her lips every chance she gets. And is being a model really a life-long career? I think the next episode of digging deeper will be Courtney’s so-called model “career.” Courtney is given a rose after she opens up about her trust issues. The camera zooms out, probably because Ben is slipping her some tongue.

How are there 25 minutes left? Oh yeah, another cocktail party. Well that does mean more drunk times, and since JB has been pretty much non-existent in this episode, I’m *hoping* she drinks a bit too much vino and sheds some more tears. Do not disappoint me, Jenna!

After Blakeley steals the spotlight from many of the ladies’ one-on-one times (which is like, totally unfair because she already has a rose!), and everyone talks about her behind her back, it’s finally one-on-one time with JB. First, she drops a blanket on a candle. Then she starts to talk and literally makes no sense. I know she wants to say, “I am not like other girls” but she instead says, “I’m not, like, a girl. If that makes any sense.” NO, it does not. Then she runs to the bedroom to cry under the covers while Blakeley curls up in a ball to cry in the luggage room. The women who cry together (in separate rooms) are automatically deemed dramatic. Get it together!

Thank God it’s Chris to the rescue! He finally ounces that it’s time for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and with only 13 roses, five are going home!

Who stays: Jennifer Oklahoma, Emily PhD, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel aka Nose Ring, Lindzi/Horsey, Nicki the Divorcee, Casey S, Samantha, Monica, Jamie the Nurse and Brittany.

Casualties: JB (maybe I spent too much analyzing her) and Shawn the Mom. Adios!

Oh. Only two are going home? I thought we started out with 18 women and he handed out 13 roses, so 18 minus 13 is 5? But maybe we didn’t start out with 18 and I’m totally wrong. OH wait! Kacie, Blakeley and Courtney were already given roses so yes, it all makes sense. LOL, don’t care! I’m more concerned that Jenna is in the living room bawling her eyes out. It appeared that in total she and Ben had about 20 minutes of interaction  and most of the time she couldn’t put together a coherent sentence. That and she cried during the past two episodes, so why is she so upset? Maybe now she’ll have more time to update her blog! Bye!

Next up! San Francisco! A one-on-one with Horsey! Fireworks! Tears! Brittany revealing something shocking! An ex girlfriend shows up! Erica passes out! I will make up a nickname for Blakeley because I literally hate typing that out every time!

And then during the end credits they show cute, genuine moments between Kacie and Ben from their date. Why does every other segment seem so cheap and set up? Why not show this, the more goofy sides of people? I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR EDITING, ABC!

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