Author Archives: holamanda

Nail Time!

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Nail post time! Or better known in my head as “I’m really impressed with my ability to paint my own nails that I have to show off my perfectly sculpted cuticles and impeccable paint jobs” post time!

Once upon a time I cut off all of my hair and no longer felt feminine. I loved the cut but I was missing that sense of prettiness. I vowed to find my femininity again! I searched low… I searched high… I needed a solution. My answer was a commitment to always have my nails painted and have kept up with this habit since late 2010.

Over the past few years I’ve perfected the quick paint with minimal destruction, usually painting my nails during Sunday night programming. However, nail painting has turned into an every-three-days activity, a sort of paint-at-my-desk-when-I’m-waiting-for-our-CMS-to-load kind of thing. My coworkers can attest to this as they frequently smell nail polish remover and lacquer in our cubicle.

Left: Sonia Kashuk in a sea foam green; Right: Essie in “Mojito Madness”

My go-to remedy for sloppy nails is my thumbs. If I’m in a rush I always paint my thumbs last. I’m able to dip my not-yet-painted thumbs into nail polish remover so I can easily remove excess polish. When I have more time on my hands, a quick swoop of topcoat on the skin makes for easy removal with a Q-tip or nail file. Another more recent discovery is a tiny makeup brush for precision and control. Dip the bristles into nail polish remover and glide the brush along the edges of your nail, removing unsightly mistakes.

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“The love feelings are there.”

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Hey ya’ll (yes, it’s back to “ya’ll”) and welcome to this week’s installment of The Bachelor recap! I intentionally waited until today (riiiiight) to update because I updated this blog last Thursday and if I have to wait a week+ to watch then you have to wait a week+ to read! Boom, I have the power!

This week… Beliz! 6 incredible women! Jumping off helicopters! Courtney and Ben make out time! Dramaz~* with the other ladies and Courtney! All that and more tonight… on The Bachelor.

BB (Bachelor Ben, duh) introduces us to Beliz and the (name drop!) Coco Beach Resort all while wearing a man tank top –- the best kind of tank top if you ask me. What should we call this? A mank top? A disgusting shirt that should never be worn by the male species ever again? Herp derp?

#supladies

Ben immediately lets us know that “the feelings of love are there.” And I’m like, why? Why do you speak like this? Why can’t you just say, “I’m falling in love with these women?” Why is all “love feelings” this and “feelings of love” that? It doesn’t make sense – it must be all that wine that you’re fermenting! It’s going to his brain. But he better be using his noggin (and not his little Ben) this week because only four ladies are receiving roses and Ben will be meeting their families in the next episode. The pressure is on.

Chris Harrison welcomes the ladies to their tropical destination — what a great place to fall in love! The four women who receive roses this week will be taking Ben to their hometowns to meet their families so you better tell Ben how much you love him or you might be going home! Love is srs bsns to Chris Harrison. He continues: In Beliz there will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses will be up for grabs on the one-on-one dates but there will be one on the group date and a guaranteed Ben-meeting-family time! Chris whips out the first one-on-one date card that goes to… Lindzi! I remember that Lindzi was growing on me last week but now I can’t remember why. She wears too much eyeliner and makeup in general and that is distracting me from her decent (honestly, I don’t even know) personaility.

During their date Ben takes Lindzi to “The Blue Hole.” Inside The Blue Hole, which is surrounded by coral reef, is a 500 foot drop off  into the deep blue sea. What about the rest of the ocean? Why isn’t it as special? I guess we’ll never know because they are taking the plunge into the hole. “Gosh, I could die in a few seconds,” says Lindzi, who I’m not sure if she is genuinely scared or not. Girl, I really doubt Ben or the producers or this helicopter pilot would let you jump into water if you could die. After they “take the plunge like you would take the plunge in a relationship” Ben says, “I feel like when I’m with Lindzi there is nothing we can’t accomplish together.” How sweet. The two are actually falling for each other. Get it? Because they fell into the ocean!?

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“Well, first, how are you?”

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Hi lady lovers and sorry I am so late with this week’s recap of The Bachelor! It was my birthday this past weekend and work has been stressful and then last night I was going to watch Monday’s episode at home but my cable wasn’t working and then my Flash plug-in wasn’t working on my computer… stop. No excuses. I’m late. If I were on this show I don’t think Ben would give me a rose. *tear*

Now, I haven’t even started this week’s episode yet and I’m already guessing that Ben will say that Panama City “is the perfect place to fall in love!” I’ll try to note it each time he does. That reminds me, did you all see “Shit Girls Say on The Bachelor?” It really opens your eyes to how repetitive they all sound. It’s all, “we have a connection” this and “I really feel a connection” that and sobs and heavy sighs and tears. It makes me just plain giddy just to watch this episode now! *THREE SPOONS OF SARCASM, PLEASE*

Now that it’s down to nine ladies, tonight we have Ben thinking he could really spend the rest of his life with some of these women! And waterfalls! Courtney stalking Jamie (who?) and drama with Casey! Did someone die? Why is she leaving the show? All that and more tonight… on The Bachelor.

Once they arrive in Panama the girls pull up to the Trump Ocean Club hotel, which honestly looks like a giant vagina, but hey! I’m a journalist, not an architect, so who am I to judge their lovely accommodations?  I see that Casey is wearing the outfit that she was seen crying in during the previews, so maybe her early departure will be… earlier rather than later? (PS, it’s not until way later.)

Ben feels excited and, here we go, he thinks there are some women here he could really see himself with for the rest of his life. “There are signs of love in the air” so I guess the love feelings are really there. Dude, I wish you wouldn’t have said “love feelings” in the first episode because I’m getting really tired of writing that. Oh well, no time for complaints because it’s time for the first one-on-one date card and it goes to… Kacie B! Take note, she is the first girl to get her second one-on-one date, but will their love survive? She is told to pack three things and now she is off on her date with Ben! (Who is wearing all black tennis shoes and, blerg, that’s a big turnoff for me. But again, I am not dating Ben F!) Helicopter ride! I’m literally crying. Not because this is so beautiful but because I’m suffering from the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. Was it the Cajun chicken sandwich I had earlier? Is this peach white tea I’m drinking now helping? Some website said I should drink apple cider vinegar but uh… no thanks. Oh wait! Back to the most interesting show on earth. Ben and Kacie are now on their deserted island and Kacie packed a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy! Oh… kay… how old are you? And Ben brought a machete, fishing net and matches. Wow! You’re reasonable and practical and Kacie brought a stuffed animal?

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“You’ve done every thing you want to do?” (Really?)

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Dramatic sigh. Let’s get on with it then. Welcome back lady-man-rose lovers to yet another installation of The Bachelor season 16 recap. Has it already been a week since the last post? Well, no, because I was a few days behind, but it seems as though this season is winding down rather quickly. With only a handful of episodes left and 11 ladies remaining, Ben F’s future wife will be chosen before you know it and I can vow to never watch another episode of this show again. The finale is the only thing I look forward to these days. Looks like the “Side-Eye of Shame” Award goes to me tonight.

Tonight in Vieques Puerto Rico: dramatic music! More Courtney drama! NUDITY! Actual, PG-13 blurred out naked parts and some tongue! I couldn’t be more excited for some action. And naturally few more “Oh my gosh, this is so beautiful!” and “This is an amazing place to fall in love!” Where isn’t a good place to fall in love, Ben?

After the ladies settle into their swanky new digs, Chris is here! What irrelevant speech is he going to give today? Oh, that’s right! The same one he gives each week: There will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week and, finally, nobody will be left behind! This means Elyse will actually get some screen time and maybe Casey S. will utter more than two words. Maybe.

Before his dramatic exit, Chris hands out the first one-on-one date card (written in Spanish, of course) that goes to… Nicki! Dang, that was a very poor Spanish accent on Jamie’s part but thankfully Emily PhD is there to translate the date card for everyone. Honestly,  ”encontremos” was the most difficult word in the two-line note and I’m surprised the ladies didn’t understand “amor,” “nuevo” or “San Juan.” I know I was a Spanish double major in college but c’mon, are any of you educated?

Before the uno-en-uno begins, Ben confesses that he does in fact know that Nicki is divorced. I guess I’ve been freaking out each week for no reason! Don’t you think that reveal would have been the right amount of drama for this show? Guess not! While walking through the streets of Old San Juan, Ben drops a little Spanish (aka “si” and “de nada”) so maybe he knows la lenguaje? Doubt it.

After, oh let’s say, five minutes of nice weather and two licks of a frozen ice treat, it immediately starts to pour and now Nicki and Ben are running in the rain. This is literally (and I’m not using that for dramatic emphasis because this actually occurred) what happened with one of Ben’s one-on-one dates with Ashley during The Bachelorette. Or it could have been Constantine because during Ashley’s season Ben had a weird doppleganger who also looked like Rafael Nadal. I can’t be positive, but I guess it ain’t a season of The B– without at least one or two dates in the rain! (You thought I wasn’t going to comment on that photo I just linked to? Haha n00bs, that photo is downright frightening.)

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“Every color of the rainbow!”

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What’s up lady lovers? (That’s better than “hey ya’ll,” right?) and welcome to week FOUR of The Bachelor! I’m going to be honest here, I’m surprised I’ve kept up with this weekly recap. Not only do I have concentration issues but I find this program either incredibly awkward, incredibly boring or incredibly redundant with little to no in-between. Sometimes I wish I could just watch the show and not write about it, but then I realized, I would never watch this show! Oh well, I suffer for ya’ll! (Ah, there it is.)

This week Ben F. is taking the gals to Park City, Utah. No back story here! Just sweeping landscapes, mountain ranges and the screams of 13 ladies ringing from a cabin-like resort. Oh, and plenty of trees that prompted this little gem from Ben: ”The colors are every color of the rainbow!” Sometimes I just can’t.

After a bit more sob from Ben (I want the girls to experience the outdoors, memories of my father and grandfather in the wilderness, blah blah blah) Chris greets the ladies with some scary advice! Without rewinding to copy it word-for-word, if you get a one-on-one with Ben DON’T talk about the weather. Thanks, Chris, I think most of these ladies are functioning human beings and realize that the weather is a taboo topic on a date. Why is there a host on this show again?

Although Kacie B. really wants a one-on-one date with Ben the first date card goes to… Rachel Nose Ring! During her interview we learn that her ex-boyfriend broke up with her over “communication issues,” which I thought would segue nicely into a confession of a speech impediment and a troubled childhood (the breathy Ke$ha voice is clinical, right?) (I die a little inside every time I have to write “Ke$ha” with that effing dollar sign) but in fact Rachel just has trouble communicating! Good thing I actually refer to this season of The Bachelor as “Make Out With Ben and You’ll Receive a Rose” or we might have a serious hindrance on our hands! Because, seriously, how is Blake still here?

Zoom back to Kacie B. crying on the porch because she wishes she were grocery shopping with Ben at this moment, not about to watch Nose Ring and BF fly off in a helicopter. Sorry girl, you are on a R-E-A-L-I-T-Y show (time to spell it out)! This is not “Let’s Watch Kacie and Ben Walk Scotch and Do Normal Things.” No, this is the “Let’s Hate Courtney and Think Rachel has a Raspy Voice and Kacie, Calm it Down” show. Man, I have some great potential titles that really roll off the tongue, no? Kacie, your jealousy and emotional over reaction are borderline getting the Side Eye of Shame award, but it’s too early to tell.

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“Talk to me, Goose!”

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Hey ya’ll (why do I keep introducing each blog with that?) and welcome to the recap of episode three of The Bachelor and the first blog post where I am actually on time! Get used to it because (hopefully) now each post will be updated as soon as the episode is over! I actually had a much easier time writing this post while watching it on my TV versus the computer, but now we don’t get any fun photos :( Oh well!

Last week was just a glimpse into Ben’s childhood in Sonoma and now it’s onward into manhood as the ladies venture to Ben’s current residence in San Fransisco. The gals are already getting into the bubbly in the limo so, like most episodes, we can except at least one drunken cry fest! Yippee!

Julia, Ben’s sister who kind of reminds me of Khloe Kardashian, also lives in San Fran. While quickly catching up over iced-tea, Ben says, “the girls are… (pause with a look of pure panic) incredible.” Subtle, Ben, subtle. What could have passed as a brief pause of elation for the fact that you have 16 women throwing themselves at you, I know what you really wanted to say. “Some of these girls are… straight up crazy!” Then he mouths “help me” as he tries to avoid the producer’s gaze. Ah, if only.

My favorite moment of this reunion is when Julia says, “This [The Bachelor] will be a very funny story to talk about later on in life!” False. If Ben proposes, marries and stays married to one of these ladies, you will never forget his stint on The Bachelor. Ever. It will not be something five years from now you can say, “ho ho ho, remember that one time?” Because if you recall the most successful Bachelorette love story, Trista and Ryan, they have been on the covers of magazines and in the press since their engagement in 2003, almost ten years ago. So, no, Julia, unless this experiment fails miserably, your brother will be be on countless wedding specials, E! News episodes and covers of Star Magazine for many years to come.

Anyway, Chris (the host if I haven’t mentioned that before) gives the ladies a strange little speech about dates. I’ll paraphrase: “If you are on a one-on-one date with Ben and you do not receive a rose, you will be immediately sent packing. Bye! Also, not every girl will be invited on individual or group dates each week, so if you’re going to be seeing Ben, you better treat it as your last.” Essentially this would have been a good speech for last week’s episode, since you know, it was the introduction of the dating episodes, but I guess never late than never is acceptable. Thanks, Chris! See you at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~

After getting settled into their hotel, the first one-on-one date goes to Emily PhD! She is really cute and I liked that she put Purell on Ben’s hands during their first meeting… and then gave him breath spray for a little kissy kiss. However, my brief happiness for their date to come is quickly diminished by, you guessed it, Courtney. Courtney, who always has something to add, thinks that Ben’s date with Emily will be a bit boring. She admits that a lot of ladies are very well educated (ie: Emily the PhD student and Jennifer the accountant) but that being book smart makes them boring. Girl, it sounds like you didn’t go to college and for that I give you the side eye of shame. I just now decided that each week I will be giving out the “Side Eye of Shame” award to one girl who is particularly worthy of being judged. This week it goes to Courtney.

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Digging Deeper: Courtney’s Modeling Career

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This week I would like to take a closer look into the modeling career of The Bachelor season 16′s resident bitch, Courtney. Now, most girls on reality television shows who claim they have “modeling careers” have really only appeared in local catalogs, ie: any contestant on America’s Next Top Model, but it appears that Courtney might actually have had a legitimate career prior to her appearance on The Bachelor.

After a quick Google search I discovered that, full name, Courtney Robertson not only has a fully functioning website (sorry Jenna) with photos and agent listings, but she has appeared on the cover of Fitness magazine and in commercials and several print advertising campaigns. It’s hard to tell how old Courtney is in most of these photographs (she is currently 28-years-old) but it totally looks like she was/is an actual working model. According to her site, Courtney has modeled for the likes of IZOD, Clarisonic, Scottsdale (yes, the city in Arizona) and has even impersonated Audrey Hepburn for a photo shoot.

Image courtesy of Starcasm.

I, for one, am shocked. Like I said, most “models” on these reality shows do not actually have working, paying jobs, but Courtney has had some actual work. I thought my work was done! This was going to be a short little post with more information and less mockery. I found her ads, her commercials and multiple photo shoots, so I was going to pat myself on the back for a half-assed job well done and leave it at that. But then I remembered that once upon a time Courtney dated an actor. And then take a look at this piece of evidence! Courtney attended the 2005 Emmy awards! Not as an awards model but as the date of one-time hottie (debatable) Jesse Metcalfe of Desperate Housewives fame! We know in her episode that Courtney admitted to dating an actor, but does this seem suspicious? An actual working model (she is no Miranda Kerr but at least her resume is semi-respectable) who once dated a relatively well-know (at the time) actor on another hit ABC show? They only dated briefly but still, wouldn’t the producers have discovered this little fact and think that her semi connection to ABC would be a bit… strange? Is it blatant fame mongering?

I don’t know, guys. Maybe it’s because I don’t get good vibes from Miss Model, but I just don’t trust her after this revelation. Not only does she incessantly lick or bite her lips and that just annoys me, but she’s also really degrading to the other girls solely for competition’s sake. However, there are multiple rumors that she is in this season of The Bachelor for the long haul, so we will not only have to deal with her bland voice, but we will have plenty more time to see if more incriminating evidence comes to light.

“I’m not, like, a girl.”

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Hi ya’ll and welcome to next installment of The Bachelor recap, episode two! Last week’s review was over 3,000 words, yikes! I promise it will be much, much shorter this time around. Tonight the remaining 18 women travel to Ben F.’s hometown of Sonoma, CA for drama! Tears! And, oh Jesus, lots of making out! (That is going to be so comfortable to watch.) But the most important thing of tonight’s episode is…

#helpme

Scotch the Jack Russell Terrier! Kudos to Ben F. for having such a sweet pup. Fortunately, Scotch will be making quite a few appearances in this episode, which is yay! for me. It was such a nice departure from all of the other dogs. #woof

The episode begins with the ladies arriving at Ben’s home in Sonoma, which only leaves me to wonder, is that Ben’s real home or just a provided property from ABC? See? I don’t know what’s real anymore! As the women pile around the pool, Ben immediately pops open the vino. That’s my kind of party! You know, the kind where I have to battle 17 other women for a date with a tan man, all while casually sipping a nice merlot. Well, I’m not sure if it’s actually a merlot, but it is red and probably not Yellow Tail.

But it’s immediately down to business when Kacie B. is handed the sacred first date kard! Way to go KB from Tennessee! I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Bitchy model Courtney sure is disappointed. She thinks Kacie B. is annoying and hopes she doesn’t get a rose that she must receive on this date or it’s immediately back to the South. So in the words of RuPaul: “Good luck and don’t f*ck it up!”

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Digging Deeper: Jenna’s Blog

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Hi everyone and welcome to a segment I like to call Digging Deeper. On today’s episode we will be analyzing Jenna the Blogger’s blog, appropriately titled “The Over Analyst.” During her brief introduction on The Bachelor, Jenna is portrayed as the hip freelance journalist from New York City who spends her days sipping wine and over analyzing, how chic! Throughout episode one JB spends her time wine-crying about a self-created conflict with Mammoth Monica and accuses Ben F. of being “too calm” while everyone else was nervous. Classy! However, in the end, Jenna is presented with the final rose at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and she will live to see another episode. But don’t you want to know so much more about our favorite wino, JB? I know I do!

In proper investigative journalist form, I did a quick search on LinkedIn and hey! what do you know? I found JB’s profile, image to the left. (Side note: I’m very proud of myself for nicknaming her “JB” after “Jenna the Blogger” and then discovering her real initials are, in fact, JB!) And take a look at that! She studied at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. What a small, small world. With a connection in Ohio, maybe we are more alike than I thought?

Unfortunately, Jenna’s LinkedIn page is boring me, like most LinkedIn profiles do. If you ever add me on LinkedIn, please give me at least a month to add you back considering it’s the most useless website of all time. If you have made a genuine professional connection on LinkedIn, please prove me wrong. But instead of creepily stalking her employment history, I want to get down to the real business here, which is to over analyze Jenna’s over analyzing blog. Here is its description: “I enjoy analyzing. It’s one of the things people may consider a problem, yet it’s one of the things I really like to do. I think it makes us more interesting and leads us to new discoveries. Overanalyzing happens because you really have a deep interest in learning about life, the good and the bad. I embrace my desires, I feel inspired and I witness the beauty.”

Bolding emphasis is my own and here is why: Over analyzing situations is a problem, Jenna, which you so aptly proved on the first episode as you over analyzed Monica’s intentions. In simpler terms, you freaked the eff out for no apparent reason. You spent the episode crying to any and every girl that would hear your story and then you almost missed the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ because you were in the bathroom smearing your mascara. Ben even confronted you about the drama and you straight up lied. Long story short, you over analyzing almost cost you a spot on this TV show. It is something many people consider a flaw. Do I think your over analyzing makes you more interesting? It made you the butt of many a joke on Twitter that night so, maybe yeah, you were more interesting to mock. #endrant

My first major issue with Jenna’s website is that, while under construction, you can still read all of her old posts. What bothers me the most is that she has a nice little banner that you would expect to be able to click on. However, below this banner it says “CLICK HERE” four times in a row, obviously meant to be links on the banner. Not only is this sloppy HTML work, but the links don’t even work! Why not hire out a designer and post a simple “Under Construction” graphic without the option for readers to troll the rest of your content? Not good so far, Jenna, not good at all.

While browsing Jenna’s blog posts, I discovered that some of the posts were written by other sources. A post titled “A Colorful Diet” is sourced via another website. (The link didn’t work, PS.) And “Natural Sleeping Aids & Remedies?” Jenna offers a list of 10 ways to help one sleep, but I have no idea where she got this information. How do I know that taking a 5-hour midday nap won’t help me sleep better at night? I took plenty of naps in college and had no problem sleeping in until noon the next day. Give me some proper sources or links, por favor. But then I decided to look through more than one page of posts and I sort of take back what I just wrote, but I won’t delete it. Most of her posts are just images from other sites, a Beyonce music video and a brief review of Crazy Stupid Love. All in all, it’s like most love/lifestyle/fashion blogs you find on the Internet. Except it’s written by a current Bachelor girl! So now you know.

Word count of “analyst/analyze/analyzing (including this line): 14

Don’t Call It a Comeback… But Do

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As per request of my dear, dear fans (mainly Supaphen, who asked me to blog again and I immediately said yes, no questions asked) I am going to start spewing out my brain juice into a WordPress for all the world to see again! (Is it still AP style to capitalize “Internet?” … I just looked into it, and it totally is.)

It all started with a little blog called “Dressed by Numbers,” which you can totally still read here. Looking through old posts makes me realize that I really wasn’t very fashionable, I just liked attention and talking about myself! But seriously. I just wore skinny jeans with flats and a new top every day. And I didn’t really care about fashion either. Now since moving to NYC my go-to garb is black on black on black because it’s lyk3, sew c00L & So NyC~*

ANYWAY! Don’t call it a comeback. But it is. And my first project is going to be …drum roll… live blogging The Bachelor! That’s right, I will be reviewing the extremely uncomfortable-to-watch ABC reality show featuring 25 desperate women vying for the attention of one man in his upper-20s who for some reason can’t find a girlfriend in a bar! I mean, c’mon guy, did you really try that hard? But it’ll be great, I swear. This might be better as a video blog because I suffer what I call “extreme secondhand embarrassment syndrome” where I get so uncomfortable watching certain situations that I literally cannot function. I’m sure that would be fun to watch, but I think it’s weird when people get super obsessed with video bloggers on YouTube. Instead you’ll have to READ my words rather than hear them. That’s right, youth of America! I’m going to force you to read instead of mindlessly text and surf the Internet while listening to charlieissocoollike videos on the background. Sheesh, teens are obsessed with that British kid, huh?

Even though I call it live blogging, I won’t post my thoughts until after the episode airs. Maybe like an hour later? Depends on my words typed per minute that night. My notes are not pretty. It’s a lot of “girl with nose ring wearing red dress who is completely forgettable is annoying.” I definitely need to sift through them because you deserve some effort on my part. Maybe I’ll even “pop open” an online thesaurus for some fancy lingo. Maybe. But all-in-all I hope it’s going to be very EW-esque. Their recaps are just so damn entertaining! That’s my goal, to be the next recap blogger, so stan for me, ya’ll!

Is that it, Amanda? Yes, me, that is. There you go. My (Jesus M. Christ, lengthy!) introduction to my new project. If it goes well and I get bored just doing one show a week, maybe I’ll amp it up and start live blogging Jersey Shore, too? OR NO. MTV’s Challenge returns in a few weeks and since it is my private dream to be a 30-year-old alcoholic competing for tens of thousands of dollars on cable TV, live blogging that series will be the perfect addition to my new project. Done and done.

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