Once upon a time I cut off all of my hair and no longer felt feminine. I loved the cut but I was missing that sense of prettiness. I vowed to find my femininity again! I searched low… I searched high… I needed a solution. My answer was a commitment to always have my nails painted and have kept up with this habit since late 2010.

Over the past few years I’ve perfected the quick paint with minimal destruction, usually painting my nails during Sunday night programming. However, nail painting has turned into an every-three-days activity, a sort of paint-at-my-desk-when-I’m-waiting-for-our-CMS-to-load kind of thing. My coworkers can attest to this as they frequently smell nail polish remover and lacquer in our cubicle.

Left: Sonia Kashuk in a sea foam green; Right: Essie in “Mojito Madness”

My go-to remedy for sloppy nails is my thumbs. If I’m in a rush I always paint my thumbs last. I’m able to dip my not-yet-painted thumbs into nail polish remover so I can easily remove excess polish. When I have more time on my hands, a quick swoop of topcoat on the skin makes for easy removal with a Q-tip or nail file. Another more recent discovery is a tiny makeup brush for precision and control. Dip the bristles into nail polish remover and glide the brush along the edges of your nail, removing unsightly mistakes.

Left: Nails Inc. in “Electric Avenue;” Middle: Nails Inc. in a holiday sparkle top coat and “Covent Garden Market” (middle finger); Right: Maybelline Color Show in “Pinkalicious” and Nails Inc. in “Princess Arcade” (middle finger)

Semi-new discovery: the best sparkle polish from Nails Inc. If you’re looking for full-coverage sparkle and not a wimpy top coat, you should invest in a bottle or two from Nails Inc. My favorite is an opaque silver that reminds me of tin foil straight on my fingers (in the best sense possible of course).

Deborah Lippmann in “Prelude to a Kiss” and Sephora by OPI “Sparkle Me Silver” glitter top coat

Left: Zoya in “Paloma” with a Nails Inc. top coat; Right: Zoya in “Ray” and “Dual” (pointer finger)

My absolute favorite brand is Zoya. It all started when I received a free sample of iVillage red from our marketing department and one application for me to become hooked. The formula is creamy and smooth (get your mind out of the gutter!) and rarely bubbles (my biggest nail polish pet peeve. You can avoid this by rolling your polish bottles, not shaking them, and allowing each coat to completely dry before topping it off with another coat). The best part about purchasing Zoya polish is their website — you can order tiny “spoons” for 50 cents (free shipping) that show the color exactly how the color will dry. If you decide to purchase that color, Zoya will deduct 50 cents from your purchase. Unfortunately Zoya is not sold in stores, only in select salons and online.

Left: Essie in “Bikini So Teeny;” Right: Essie in “Fear or Desire”

I originally shied away from Essie after a few bad experiences (poor coverage, chipped very easily, $8 for a small bottle) but finally came around to the idea when I was impressed with its Summer Collection. I must have only used Essie when I was a wee novice because now I’ve totally changed my tune. Perhaps I’m using a better base and top coat or maybe I just change my polish color so often that I don’t run into chipping issues, but Essie has quickly climbed the ladder to one of my top 5 favorite formulas. (Like right now I am wearing Essie in “Aperitif” and “Fifth Avenue.”)

My nail polish collection featuring colors from Color Club, Deborah Lippmann, Elle, Essie, Julep, M.A.C, Maybelline Color Show, Nails Inc., Nicole by OPI, NYX, Orly, OPI, Sephora by OPI, Urban Outfitters and Zoya.

That is my most recent photo of my collection in October after a 17 polish purge with an accompanying 8 polish addition. I repeat, a seventeen polish purge. You’ll notice that 7 of my polishes didn’t make the cut for the rack (glitter and base/top coats). And yes, I did purchase a six-tiered nail polish rack to store and display my collection. No, I do not regret this purchase.

Follow my nails board on Pinterest or check out my Instagram account where I frequently post photos of my nails.

This week… Beliz! 6 incredible women! Jumping off helicopters! Courtney and Ben make out time! Dramaz~* with the other ladies and Courtney! All that and more tonight… on The Bachelor.

BB (Bachelor Ben, duh) introduces us to Beliz and the (name drop!) Coco Beach Resort all while wearing a man tank top –- the best kind of tank top if you ask me. What should we call this? A mank top? A disgusting shirt that should never be worn by the male species ever again? Herp derp?

#supladies

Ben immediately lets us know that “the feelings of love are there.” And I’m like, why? Why do you speak like this? Why can’t you just say, “I’m falling in love with these women?” Why is all “love feelings” this and “feelings of love” that? It doesn’t make sense – it must be all that wine that you’re fermenting! It’s going to his brain. But he better be using his noggin (and not his little Ben) this week because only four ladies are receiving roses and Ben will be meeting their families in the next episode. The pressure is on.

Chris Harrison welcomes the ladies to their tropical destination — what a great place to fall in love! The four women who receive roses this week will be taking Ben to their hometowns to meet their families so you better tell Ben how much you love him or you might be going home! Love is srs bsns to Chris Harrison. He continues: In Beliz there will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses will be up for grabs on the one-on-one dates but there will be one on the group date and a guaranteed Ben-meeting-family time! Chris whips out the first one-on-one date card that goes to… Lindzi! I remember that Lindzi was growing on me last week but now I can’t remember why. She wears too much eyeliner and makeup in general and that is distracting me from her decent (honestly, I don’t even know) personaility.

During their date Ben takes Lindzi to “The Blue Hole.” Inside The Blue Hole, which is surrounded by coral reef, is a 500 foot drop off  into the deep blue sea. What about the rest of the ocean? Why isn’t it as special? I guess we’ll never know because they are taking the plunge into the hole. “Gosh, I could die in a few seconds,” says Lindzi, who I’m not sure if she is genuinely scared or not. Girl, I really doubt Ben or the producers or this helicopter pilot would let you jump into water if you could die. After they “take the plunge like you would take the plunge in a relationship” Ben says, “I feel like when I’m with Lindzi there is nothing we can’t accomplish together.” How sweet. The two are actually falling for each other. Get it? Because they fell into the ocean!?

During dinner Ben calls wine “vino” again! I’m falling in love with Ben as well. (Not really.) Ben and Lindzi are sitting on the dock on pillows and blankets talking about their relationship. Ben decides that the two of them are going to write a letter and send it off in a bottle. Lindzi thinks it’s romantic butI think it’s effing strange. Maybe I’m not a “romantic” but this just seems cheesy with camera men and producers watching and with perfect lighting on them in the dark (I know that’s not the candles). It just doesn’t seem genuine. They “seal their bond with an eternal promise” and toss the glass bottle into the ocean — liter bugs!

The next date card is about to be presented and uh, who is the sixth lady? Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki, Courtney, Emily… oh and there she is! Rachel! Lol, I forgot about Rachel. Guess what? She does not get the next one-on-one date because it is for… Emily!

It’s a super, super cool date today with Emily and Ben. Riding bikes and “other stuff” — a carefree “easy peasey” date! The two are enjoying the simple things: high fives, holding hands on the beach, drinking beers, shopping. Emily feels like she’s on vacation with her boyfriend and I agree — this date seems very laid back, easy going, very real. “I can see myself loving this woman,” says Ben. After “randomly” diving for lobsters and playing basketball with locals, it’s dinner time for the super cool couple. Emily still regrets talking about Courtney because they lost some time together but today they focused on each other. Emily extends a formal invitation for him to meet her family in North Carolina – woo! And drinking more beer for once instead of vino! This is my kind of girl/guy dating combo.

Meanwhile, back at the house… Courtney is laying in bed with Lindzi complaining about Emily and Ben’s Date. Courtney wants Ben to stick up for her and have her back when people treat her like crap — aka Emily called her out for being awkward as hell, which I don’t think qualifies because she did apologize — but Ben hasn’t done that for her as he is currently on a date with Emily. Courtney feels worn out and sheds a tear (a real tear?) during a confessional about how uncomfortable she feels that Ben is on a date with Emily. If Courtney doesn’t receive the next one-on-one date then she will probably not accept a rose at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ (HA doubt it).

Each confessional throughout this episode is the women saying the same thing — “It’s hard to share a boyfriend with five other girls!” “It’s strange that five other women are having the same feelings as me!” Whatever, cry me a river! This is what you signed up for. Time to stop moping because the next one-on-one  date card appears and it goes to… Courtney! She just coos and cahs and gloats and acts like this is completely normal behavior and Kacie wants to literally leap across the room and punch her in the face. Firey! But that means the group date will be Rachel, Nicki and Kacie. One of them will definitely get a rose!

Courtney and Ben go to some ancient Mayan ruins on their one-on-one. Jesus, I am tired of writing one-on-one. From now on it will be solo date but it’s kind of late for that because there will be no more solo dates for the rest of the season. Ben wanted to take Courtney on this date because it’s stuff that he likes to do — hiking and exploring ruins and temples. How appropriate for a self-centered model! While the explore the ruins Courtney admits that the spark has fizzled between the two of them.  (This, again, I doubt. I think she just feels threated by the other ladies and she might not “win.”) She wants to “unload” a bunch of feelings on him (poker face)… sexual innuendo joke instead goes here. Emily said nasty things to Courtney and it bummed her out that Ben didn’t stand up for her. “I lost the spark, babe!” she screams! However, Ben says that he would be devastated if Courtney didn’t accept a rose from him. Snore.

Ben goes into a tangent about Courtney — she is the one girl who continues to stand out among the other women and he wants someone who’s a little bit “weird” — she’s unique and he likes that about her. If by “weird” and “unique” you mean obnoxious, selfish and batshit, then you’ve hit the nail on the head, BB! Ben admits that he wants to meet her family so does this mean she will automatically get a rose at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~? (Weird punctuation action going on there. Whateva!)

During dinner the spark is definitely back on, until Ben brings up the fact that Courtney doesn’t seem to get along with the other women. Courtney claims that she has tried really hard to be friends with everyone (not true) and says that these women are too “into themselves” (not true), which is why Courtney can’t connect with them (not true). She also admits that she has a lot of good friends back home but they are mostly guys (immediate look of terror on Ben’s face) and Courtney thinks the other women are too vanilla. Ben has concerns that she cannot connect with others but she is not impressed by these “girls” (they aren’t even women to her!) and when Ben brings this all up he notices that she gets defensive and wants to drop the conversation. But he still finds it hard to believe that Courtney is two-faced. Really?

The argument is dropped and just in time because the group date is announced! We already know that it is going to Rachel, Nicki and Kacie. The card? Appropriately says,“Let’s ‘sea’ whose family I will meet.” Clever!

Ben wakes the group date ladies at FOUR AM! Too early, man! They scramble to quickly shave legs and armpits and then they are off on a boat with Ben! Wouldn’t it hurt to be in the salt water right after shaving your legs? Ouchies, I say! But today isn’t just about a nice day on a boat — they are also swimming with sharks! Perfect! Now that your legs have a few cuts on them from dry shaving this morning, let your open wounds attract plenty of sharks! Ugh, and now here comes the “relationships are all about facing your fears and blah blah blah” speech. More clichés!

Rachel seems to be a bit more nervous than the rest of the girls (uh, sharks!) but what scares Kacie is not the sharks but that Rachel is monopolizing on her time with Ben. At piña colada time later that afternoon, Nicki wants to tell the ocean and the sand and palm trees that she is falling in love with Ben even though she doesn’t really tell Ben. But Kacie does! Kacie is not only ready… she’s super ready for Ben to meet her family. After some smoochie time,  it’s time for the big, big rose! Will it go to Rachel who faced her fears with the sharks? Will it go to Nicki? The two of them have such easy conversations. Nope, it goes to my girl Kacie for really opening up.

After the rose is presented to Kacie it’s time to throw Courtney under the bus. Rachel sort of stays out of it but Kacie and Nicki are not having any more of this Courtney drama hang over their heads. Courtney is here for the wrong reasons. She is here to win. She is not here to fall in love. She loves the competition, not the potential love feelings, which is why I agree with the Nicki and KB for speaking with Ben. “We want you to be cautious about Courtney,” Nicki says ominiously. Ben wonders if he is seeing a different person and hello, you are! Remember last night when Courtney was defensive and admitted that she only had good guy friends? How is that not a warning sign? If Courtney ends up winning this whole thing and she and Ben are sitting at home watching this together I hope he’s like… crap. Courtney is poison.

The next night (or the same night, I can never tell time in Bachelor land) while the women are waiting for Ben to come downstairs, every one is speaking about their concerns and worries for the night… except Courtney. She is peppy and trying to liven it up and says to the other ladies, “You know, Ben isn’t the only man in the world!” obviously trying to tell the ladies is time to pack up because she thinks she has this “competition” in the bag. Emily is visibly upset by her actions but it’s no time to pout because here comes Chris Harrison! There will be no cocktail time tonight because Ben’s mind is already made up about who will stay and who will go. So no vino for you, it’s time for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~

Before the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ beings, Ben pulls Courtney aside. While the other ladies freak out — is she going home or staying? — Ben wants to know if Courtney is in this for the right reason. Courtney tells him that it’s been hard for her that these other women have been talking about her and she tells Ben that she has been nothing but honest and open. Ugh, not totally. Ben let’s her blabber on, doesn’t stick up for himself and just says ok! They walk back to the group and now it’s time to present the final roses.

Who stays: Kacie already has a rose and now Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney receive the delicate flower. See you and your families next week! (I just realized how funny it is that Courtney calls the other women “girls” when she skips and hops over to Ben and then back to the other ladies. And she speaks in her silly girl voice and is really immature.)

Casualties:  Bye bye to Rachel and Emily! Smell ya later!

Next week! Kacie jumping into Ben’s arms! Lindzi riding horses with Ben! Meeting fathers and mothers and families! Kacie’s dad would say “no” if Ben asked for her hand in marriage! Scary dads!

Now, I haven’t even started this week’s episode yet and I’m already guessing that Ben will say that Panama City “is the perfect place to fall in love!” I’ll try to note it each time he does. That reminds me, did you all see “Shit Girls Say on The Bachelor?” It really opens your eyes to how repetitive they all sound. It’s all, “we have a connection” this and “I really feel a connection” that and sobs and heavy sighs and tears. It makes me just plain giddy just to watch this episode now! *THREE SPOONS OF SARCASM, PLEASE*

Now that it’s down to nine ladies, tonight we have Ben thinking he could really spend the rest of his life with some of these women! And waterfalls! Courtney stalking Jamie (who?) and drama with Casey! Did someone die? Why is she leaving the show? All that and more tonight… on The Bachelor.

Once they arrive in Panama the girls pull up to the Trump Ocean Club hotel, which honestly looks like a giant vagina, but hey! I’m a journalist, not an architect, so who am I to judge their lovely accommodations?  I see that Casey is wearing the outfit that she was seen crying in during the previews, so maybe her early departure will be… earlier rather than later? (PS, it’s not until way later.)

Ben feels excited and, here we go, he thinks there are some women here he could really see himself with for the rest of his life. “There are signs of love in the air” so I guess the love feelings are really there. Dude, I wish you wouldn’t have said “love feelings” in the first episode because I’m getting really tired of writing that. Oh well, no time for complaints because it’s time for the first one-on-one date card and it goes to… Kacie B! Take note, she is the first girl to get her second one-on-one date, but will their love survive? She is told to pack three things and now she is off on her date with Ben! (Who is wearing all black tennis shoes and, blerg, that’s a big turnoff for me. But again, I am not dating Ben F!) Helicopter ride! I’m literally crying. Not because this is so beautiful but because I’m suffering from the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. Was it the Cajun chicken sandwich I had earlier? Is this peach white tea I’m drinking now helping? Some website said I should drink apple cider vinegar but uh… no thanks. Oh wait! Back to the most interesting show on earth. Ben and Kacie are now on their deserted island and Kacie packed a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy! Oh… kay… how old are you? And Ben brought a machete, fishing net and matches. Wow! You’re reasonable and practical and Kacie brought a stuffed animal?

Throughout the montage of coconut cutting (really, Kacie, is watching Ben cut a coconut sexy? It seems difficult) and fishing we hear a lot of “Partnership!” “Encouraging each other!” “Being there for each other!” “Team work!” “If we can live on a deserted island together we can probably have a life together!” “Helping each other!” “Providing for each other!” “We can make it on our own!” Blah. Blah. Blah.

Later, during their private dinner, we find out that Kacie, unfortunately, had an eating disorder in high school, which might explain her having to grow up faster than other people her age. She talks about the life lessons it taught her and opening up to Ben, and while this is a very sad yet touching story, I can just hear Ben now, “Oh em gee, she like, really opened up 2nite!” And then yep, verbatim from Ben we have: “She opened up to me and that takes guts and that makes me, I don’t know, like her even more.” DUH. And, shocker of my life, she gets a rose. Kacie’s sentiments are, “On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic.” Yes, that is a very “adult” way to describe a date. And you said you act older than people your age?

While Kacie is getting a rose from Ben the next dates are announced! On the group date we have Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney and Jamie. And then, on the dreaded two-on-one date we have Blakeley and Rachel. For some reason Blake is extremely excited about this two-on-one but obviously doesn’t realize that on two-on-one dates one person is definitely going home. Right? Is that right? I’m totally making that up. I’m going to look it up now… According to Wikipedia, both women could be eliminated on this date but it doesn’t say that both women could stay, either. It just says that the male contestants traditionally break the rules (oh, badasses!) but I’m going to assume that Blake or Rachel will go home during this date. Oh and then later the date card says that there will only be one rose so either Rachel or Blake is definitely going home.

While those two soak that in, during the group date the ladies meet Ben in the jungle. After boating through the river the ladies and Ben spy some local children playing soccer along the banks — the ball just happens to fall in the river and the children just happen  to run away — so Ben and the gals find themselves among a native Panamanian tribe. And how convenient that the tribal women have traditional garb for the ladies and the chief has a loin cloth for Ben? How spontaneous! Courtney, of course, finds it necessary to not wear a bathing suit with her beaded shirt, which naturally bothers the other ladies. She proceeds to call the other girls “prudes” but in my opinion it doesn’t make you a prude if you don’t want your nipples exposed to camera men, producers, other women, complete strangers and the man you are trying to fall in love with through compatibility and personality. Unfortunately, Ben “appreciates in more than on way” that Courtney wasn’t wearing a proper top. And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the “Side Eye Award of Shame” goes to Ben Flajnik for being a total and complete pervert.

During the cocktail part of the group date I decide that Lindzi (with her horrible name and all) is growing on me. She seems genuine and easy going and I can appreciate their laid back conversation. Courtney, however, takes Ben aside and does another 180 on us. She pulls another “It’s Just Getting Hard for Me” speech, even though they spent the majority of the group date together, and Ben, again, gets this strange puppy dog look on his face that means that Courtney will get whatever she wants. Although she seems very hot and cold, confident and insecure, Ben likes that she is assertive towards him. Is it assertive or aggressive? I’m not sure if Flajnik knows the difference.

During an extremely uncomfortable conversation with Jamie (who?), we catch some glimpses of Courtney in the background flaunting her modelesque figure and trying to take the attention off Jamie. I feel bad for the girl — it’s hard for Ben to concentrate on innocent Jamie when sexy and outlandish Courtney is in the pool splashing about. Alas, Jamie walks off, still without a first kiss with Ben. Emily impresses both Ben and me tonight by being very funny and ignoring the past drama with Courtney. And she even apologizes to Courtney! Until Courtney verbally slaps Emily in the face and doesn’t accept any word. This, again, is just Courtney’s true colors showing through. I think it’s a huge warning sign when a girl cannot get along with other girls, no? And although Courtney pulled her little woe is me trick, it’s Lindzi who gets the rose! You go girl!

Then, more Courtney drama. During her little one-on-one sesh with Ben, she offered him her room number expecting that he would run up there immediately following the group date for a night cap. Well, you were wrong girl! She’s tired of men not treating her like she should be treated but uh, newsflash! If you’re going to act like a slut, you’re going to be treated like a slut. Do you think Ben keeps what’s-her-face Jamie around because she’s interesting? No! She’s holding back and he is intrigued. You throwing yourself at him left and right is what keeps getting you group dates. It’s time to hold it back, stop saying how insecure you are when you rip your clothes off in front of him any chance you get, and start acting a little bit mysterious! LORD! I’m not saying you shouldn’t be affectionate but man, give the guy some room to breathe. He’ll want you more if you’re not constantly offering him your body any chance you get.

During the two-on-one date Ben takes Blake and Rachel salsa dancing! He’s over all of the “go with the flow” dates and now he’s looking for someone with chemistry. The entire date is a lot of trying to steal Ben for another dance, awkward hip gestures and Ben just sort of standing there. At this point I think I like Rachel more. She’s not all about using her sexuality and she just seems more fun loving and easy going. Blake seems… trashy? Not that I would use “classy” to describe Rachel but Rachel does seems goofy and fun. During their one-on-one time Blake gets very emotional. And then the most awkward thing of my life occurred.

Blake. Made. A. Scrapbook. Like, a construction paper, handmade book with words cut from a magazine pasted onto the pages. Words like “San Francisco” and “wine” and “Puerto Rico.” This book describes all of the reasons why she likes Ben through magazine cut outs. That’s right, not a note or a list like a normal person, but a stalker-y craft she probably put together while the other ladies were on a group date. Are these women even allowed access to magazines? Thankfully Ben seems just as freaked out as I do and Rachel receives the rose. Blake storms off and Rachel brags in her confession a la Courtney. And then we are presented with a somber scene: a lone, stray cat meowing as it walks along the glistening pavement. Blakeley sobbing in Ben’s arms. Rachel smelling her rose. Goodbye Blake!

The next morning Chris Harrison shows up! And we have to assume that it’s serious because why would Chris show up other than to give useless speeches? After he pulls Casey S. aside for a private conversation, Chris reveals that it was brought to his attention from three separate people that Casey is in fact *gasp* in love with someone else and not in love with Ben! She gives a very juvenile explanation of her situation saying that she is still in love with her ex Michael but she does not want to be in love with him because he doesn’t want to marry her. Oh, alright then. Well let’s talk to Ben, Chris says! Ben is obviously surprised to see Chris with Casey. She starts, “Well, first, how are you?” Uhhh fine? Ben says in confusion. Then Casey goes into her story that she is not completely over her ex-boyfriend but it’s not holding her back and Ben is like… yeah, he is holding you back. Casey is crying and saying “like” every other word so when Ben sends her home I am not surprised. I would have sent her home for her lack of verbal skills alone and not because she had an ex she still loved, but whatever. Bye Casey! I hope they at least let you put shoes on before you got on your plane.

After Chris breaks the news (and ominously tells the ladies that you better freaking love Ben!) it’s cocktail party time! Now, if I thought Blakely’s homemade scrapbook was the most awkward thing of my life, I was dead wrong. Jamie and Ben had a very… interesting one-on-one chat. During her confessional Jamie admits,  “Damn I’m really prude!” (Ugh, no, you can say “I am prudish” or “I act like a prude” but “I am prude” is not grammatically correct.) Jamie proceeds to tell and act out her fantasies with Ben — she sits on top of him, makes out with him and can’t stop laughing and then feels extremely embarrassed, just like me. After regretting that first kiss, Ben offers that they try again. This time Jamie talks him through their kiss. Yes, she says, “first we will have our mouths closed and then we will open them.” “That’s generally how kissing works,” Ben quips as Jamie begins a strange battle of kissing, talking and giggling. I took a series of photos of myself during this five minute-long session to show just how uncomfortable I felt but it’s too late to post them because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time!

Who stays: Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel already have roses from their dates, and Nicki, Courtney and Emily all receive roses during the ceremony.

Casualties: Blakeley was sent home on the two-on-one and Casey S. was eliminated for being in lurve~* with someone else, and now Jamie is being eliminated. Now I truly feel like all of the random girls have been weeded out and it’s down to the wire. Only six women left!

Next up! The exotic and tropical country of Beliz! Kacie is falling in love with Ben! Courtney and Ben make out! Ben is confronted about Courtney’s true colors! It’s almost time for hometowns and we shall see who survives another week!

#okay #justataste #secondhandembarrassment

Tonight in Vieques Puerto Rico: dramatic music! More Courtney drama! NUDITY! Actual, PG-13 blurred out naked parts and some tongue! I couldn’t be more excited for some action. And naturally few more “Oh my gosh, this is so beautiful!” and “This is an amazing place to fall in love!” Where isn’t a good place to fall in love, Ben?

After the ladies settle into their swanky new digs, Chris is here! What irrelevant speech is he going to give today? Oh, that’s right! The same one he gives each week: There will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week and, finally, nobody will be left behind! This means Elyse will actually get some screen time and maybe Casey S. will utter more than two words. Maybe.

Before his dramatic exit, Chris hands out the first one-on-one date card (written in Spanish, of course) that goes to… Nicki! Dang, that was a very poor Spanish accent on Jamie’s part but thankfully Emily PhD is there to translate the date card for everyone. Honestly,  ”encontremos” was the most difficult word in the two-line note and I’m surprised the ladies didn’t understand “amor,” “nuevo” or “San Juan.” I know I was a Spanish double major in college but c’mon, are any of you educated?

Before the uno-en-uno begins, Ben confesses that he does in fact know that Nicki is divorced. I guess I’ve been freaking out each week for no reason! Don’t you think that reveal would have been the right amount of drama for this show? Guess not! While walking through the streets of Old San Juan, Ben drops a little Spanish (aka “si” and “de nada”) so maybe he knows la lenguaje? Doubt it.

After, oh let’s say, five minutes of nice weather and two licks of a frozen ice treat, it immediately starts to pour and now Nicki and Ben are running in the rain. This is literally (and I’m not using that for dramatic emphasis because this actually occurred) what happened with one of Ben’s one-on-one dates with Ashley during The Bachelorette. Or it could have been Constantine because during Ashley’s season Ben had a weird doppleganger who also looked like Rafael Nadal. I can’t be positive, but I guess it ain’t a season of The B– without at least one or two dates in the rain! (You thought I wasn’t going to comment on that photo I just linked to? Haha n00bs, that photo is downright frightening.)

During this date we learn that Nicki’s “flexibility” is a turn on to Ben. And by flexibility he means she is able to roll with the punches and is not fazed by the poor weather. Wow, impressive. Instead of wandering around town, the two go on an impromptu shopping spree. While Ben tries on his all-white outfit, Nicki says that Ben is “moo-ey, moo-ey, moo-ey caliente.” GIRL it’s “muy.” You are not a cow.

#ohyeah #sohot

After another dating metaphor — something about an ancient building standing the test of time and Nicki wants that in her next relationship — the two stumble upon a (foreshadowing?) wedding that brings up some familiar feelings for N.  Later during drinks — Ben said “let me get the glasses of vino” and I almost fell out of my seat with joy — Nicki opens up about love feelings and her previous marriage and Ben presents her with a rose. Very few things on this TV show make me happy. Someone saying “vino” instead of “wine” is definitely number one, followed by open mouth kisses (Nicki and Ben had a very nice closed mouth make out sesh) and the backside of Chris as he walks out of frame. Next episode I’m going to count the number of seconds that Chris Harrison is actually on screen. I want to pay someone to make a montage of all of Chris Harrison’s moments throughout the entire series and maybe it will rack up to 15 minutes.

While Nicki basks in the glow of her rosy red flower, the group date is announced and will include Lindzi, Courtney, Kacie B., Jennifer, Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie and Blakeley. This means the other one-on-one date goes to Elyse! Por fin! (Which means finally and because this is the episode in Puerto Rico I’m going to drop some más español).

During the group date Ben takes the 9 ladies to play béisbol! Emily hopes they are doing something athletic, which I’m going to say is a yes, since you were required to wear gym shorts and tennis shoes, and you’re walking into an empty baseball stadium.

Now we have drills and sprints and bating practice, oh my! How romantic. Oh, what? Here comes Chris? We never see Chris unless it’s for his pre-date speech and at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ Now he’s revealing that tonight there is a sexy beach party and in order to win some extra one-on-one time with BF, the ladies will be split into two teams to play against each other. The winning team (only five women) will be going to the beach party. And since 9 doesn’t divide evenly into two equal teams (great math skills, producers!) one girl will play on both teams and automatically get to go to the beach party. Ben gets to choose and the lucky lady is… Lindzi! (Huh? Really? Why? Not Kacie or Courtney? Whatever, already over it).

For Team Red we have Courtney, Kacie B., Casey S., Jamie and Lindzi, and Team Blue consists of Blake, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel and Lindzi x2.

The game tonight is two innings? Short and sweet, me gusta. In the first inning the red team comes out on top with 5 runs with the blue team slacking with only 3. Girls, if you know a thing about baseball, which I officially don’t, it’s not about the batting but about the field work. That is probably a lie. But Blakeley is all over the place catching fly balls and chest bumping, I’m impressed. Everyone else can’t seem to catch a grounder for their lives and I have yet to see a strong hit. But at the end of the second inning it’s 6-to-6 so it’s onto an extra inning! …And another extra inning… and another extra inning. It’s now 10 to 9 in the bottom of the 5th with Jennifer up to bat… two strikes separating Blue Team defeat and… Jennifer strikes out! Red Team wins!

Blake is sad. Jennifer cries. The Red team pops open champagne and hops into a helicopter with Ben. Cue the depressing, dark bus ride home for the four rejects.

During the group beach party, Courtney is realizing that her biggest competition is Kacie B., who is getting some background history on Ben’s dating history. Way to turn the tables! It’s probably like reading this recap if you don’t watch The Bachelor – you  have no idea who I’m talking about and you’re not invested in any of them. (Except for KB! You should love KB). But with Ben, I don’t care about your past loves. Can’t you talk about cats or like,  your favorite movie? Amanda! This is a reality show, remember? Nothing is supposed to make sense! But Kacie is such a good listener that Ben presents her with a rose. Make out time!

Immediately after returning from rose kisses, Courtney snatches Ben for a quiet walk on the beach. After some smoochie time and sexy talk from Courtney, we are promised a steamy skinny dipping episode later on. But first Elyse gets her uno-en-uno with Benjamin! (This week pronounced “Ben-ha-mean.”)

While on a private yacht Elyse admits to having achieved every thing she wants to achieve in her life. Ben is like, really? You have your bachelors and masters and moved to Florida on your own and… that’s it? You are so ambitious! But then comes Elyse’s “I quit my job and missed my best friend’s wedding, I gave up so much to be here blah blah” speech thinking that this old and abused tactic will keep Ben’s interest. Instead of continuing the conversation Ben’s like, let’s jump off the boat! And then they literally proceed to jump off the boat a few times while Elyse holds her nose like a toddler.

Later at dinner Ben brings up the ”you’ve accomplished every thing” thing and she’s says “that isn’t what I meant!” Oh-kayyy. And then she admits that she is so sick of being single and Ben is like… you’re here because you’re just sick of being single? And she says “That’s not what I meant!” Oh-kayyy. After rambling for a bit more, a very obviously uncomfortable Ben politely rejects Elyse and tells her it’s time to get packing. As Elyse cries and is sent off on a boat of shame, I wonder if Ben is just like, how long do I have to stand here on the beach and watch the boat go away and pretend to be sad? The single rose floating away in the ocean is a very nice ending to a very non-existent relationship between the two. Ah, the imagery.

As Ben “sulks” (try to hide the skip in your step, man) back to the hotel room (I wonder why the cameras are still following me? The date is over!) he turns around and there’s Courtney for a “nightcap.” “Do you want me to pour you a bath?” Courtney offers. “Do you want a little massage?” she purrs. “How about that promise of a skinny dip?” she offers. Ben thinks this is probably a bad idea but “why the hell not?” he says! His brain says no but his smiley face says yes! And here we have it! The scene of all scenes! Stripping and blurred out body parts and open mouth kissing! My strange bachelor fantasies have finally come to pass! And… commercial time. Oh ABC, you sly, sly fox.

Welp, it’s cocktail time! And other than generic one-on-one date time conversations and kissy times (and an uber-desperate Blake! (okay, I wrote that before I watched their one-on-one moment and it was actually very sweet. Blake is growing on me)), nothing to report. Oh, except Emily PhD shoots herself in the foot. Again! I throw my hands up in the air sometimes! (Yes, I stole that from this song but this is a very appropriate moment to say this). Emily starts with an apology and a great speech about not worrying about the other girls and how she wishes she never said anything about Courtney last week and then… TALKS ABOUT COURTNEY. AGAIN. Girl. I revoke the Side-Eye of Shame Award from myself and present it to you. Ben, obviously uncomfortable again, tells her to “tread lightly”  (dun dun dun) and their one-on-one time is over. I’m thinking these last ten minutes will be very, very predictable. Well, time to find out because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time!

Who stays: Nicki and Kacie B. already have roses, Lindzi, Jamie (she’s the new “who?”), Rachel, Courtney, Casey S., Blake and Emily all get a rose! Girl, he must really see something in you so you better never bring Courtney up ever again.

Casualties: Elyse did not receive a rose on her uno-en-uno and now Jennifer is sent packing, crying with a fit of the hiccups. That’s a little surprising because I thought he had more chemistry with Jen than with Jamie but I guess Ben Flajnik is a little trickster and he is trolling us all!

Next up! Panama City, Panama (the most glamorous city in Central America? Really, Ben?)! One-on-one date with Kacie B! Casey S. hysterically crying and getting hugged by Chris? Ben confronts Courtney about her odd behavior? So many questions! Exclamation points!

This week Ben F. is taking the gals to Park City, Utah. No back story here! Just sweeping landscapes, mountain ranges and the screams of 13 ladies ringing from a cabin-like resort. Oh, and plenty of trees that prompted this little gem from Ben: ”The colors are every color of the rainbow!” Sometimes I just can’t.

After a bit more sob from Ben (I want the girls to experience the outdoors, memories of my father and grandfather in the wilderness, blah blah blah) Chris greets the ladies with some scary advice! Without rewinding to copy it word-for-word, if you get a one-on-one with Ben DON’T talk about the weather. Thanks, Chris, I think most of these ladies are functioning human beings and realize that the weather is a taboo topic on a date. Why is there a host on this show again?

Although Kacie B. really wants a one-on-one date with Ben the first date card goes to… Rachel Nose Ring! During her interview we learn that her ex-boyfriend broke up with her over “communication issues,” which I thought would segue nicely into a confession of a speech impediment and a troubled childhood (the breathy Ke$ha voice is clinical, right?) (I die a little inside every time I have to write “Ke$ha” with that effing dollar sign) but in fact Rachel just has trouble communicating! Good thing I actually refer to this season of The Bachelor as “Make Out With Ben and You’ll Receive a Rose” or we might have a serious hindrance on our hands! Because, seriously, how is Blake still here?

Zoom back to Kacie B. crying on the porch because she wishes she were grocery shopping with Ben at this moment, not about to watch Nose Ring and BF fly off in a helicopter. Sorry girl, you are on a R-E-A-L-I-T-Y show (time to spell it out)! This is not “Let’s Watch Kacie and Ben Walk Scotch and Do Normal Things.” No, this is the “Let’s Hate Courtney and Think Rachel has a Raspy Voice and Kacie, Calm it Down” show. Man, I have some great potential titles that really roll off the tongue, no? Kacie, your jealousy and emotional over reaction are borderline getting the Side Eye of Shame award, but it’s too early to tell.

But then it gets even creepier. She wipes her tears and a manic smile comes upon her face: “But then I know he’s going to walk in and I’m going to get to see him…at least I get to see him for a minute. And he sees me and he knows I’m still here.” Girl, I want to see you get it together.

Anyway, amidst Kacie’s internal struggles, Rachel and Ben take a breathtaking helicopter ride to a deserted lake where I immediately hand out the first “Second Hand Embarrassment Alert Card” of this episode. Rachel and Ben are in their canoe on the lake, not really talking except the occasional “wow, this is so pretty” and heavy breathing and… kissing. Guess I already know she’s going to get a rose. And then I proceed to accidentally swallow an entire grape and my brief choking experience was more interesting than Rachel and Ben’s picnic date.

The two pop open a bottle of bubbly (we are really lacking in emotional drunken breakdowns lately) and… nothing. Crickets chirp, I gasp out loud, barely two words are exchanged between them. You’re outside, just be like, did you spend a lot of time outside when you were younger? Why are we in Utah this week? You see that I have a nose ring? I got this poor life decision with my friend in college. LITERALLY SAY ANY THING.

#anyhelpupthere #rainbowcolors

Ben is confused about his date with Rachel (so am I) and wondering if it maybe takes her more time to open up than the other girls. Yeah, Ben, maybe it does take more than one one-on-one date to learn the deepest, darkest secrets of a person. Or maybe this is just an example of Rachel’s poor communication skills. When I hear “poor communication skills” I assume it means you have problems opening up about your feelings, but I guess in her case it means you literally don’t talk. Thanks for the heads up!

Ben claims to be treating this new relationship with Rachel like he did with Ashley by taking it slow. Uh, newsflash! Ashley dumped your ass on national television but whatever. Rachel then “opens up” AKA says more than two words, which was apparently reason enough to receive a rose. Direct quote from Ben: “I like kissing Rachel.” You are so easy to predict, guy!

Next up on the group date with Jamie, Casey S., Blake, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and Courtney, fly fishing!

During the next segment I think Ben wishes he could have said, “I’m on a horse. Look at me, now look over there. Now look back at me, now look over there again because my horse is about to almost buck me off in the river.” But, alas, the ladies witness his embarrassing horse debacle and Lindzi almost dies in excitement because, remember, she loves horses!

During the group date (isn’t fishing so romantic and a great way to talk? noise totally attract fish!) Kacie steals Ben away for some attention, briefly, before Courtney comes and snatches him up. The other girls are like, eff this, let’s drink! but Lindzi isn’t about to let Courtney get all of the attention from Ben. However, as she watches from a distance, Courtney catches the first (and only?) fish of the day and Ben is even more in love than we originally thought.

During the cocktail portion of the group date I realize that I have the same sweatshirt as Ben. I bought it from Nordstrom but I can’t be certain if I purchased it in the ladies section. However, unlike Ben (because I am not a man), I would never be caught wearing dead flip flops in front of these women. Flip flops on a man are not natural!

During drinks Ben gets some one-on-one (ugh, I also die a little every time I have to write out “one hyphen on hyphen one” ten times a blog) with Casey S., who I think we hear speak for the first time this season, divorced Nicki with a sad story about her boss passing away before the show began filming, and then here comes Samantha!

Crazy. She is asking Ben why she’s only been on group dates thus far and instead of beating around the bush, he let’s her have it! Other than being a little tipsy during this interaction, she is called out for being overly emotional on group dates. He stops her yapping, admits that he doesn’t think she is taking this seriously, and sends her packing. SEE YA GENERIC BLONDE!

Finally, Kacie gets her glorious alone time with Ben. They kiss, they bask in their love feelings for each other and part ways. I wonder if the producers are like, NO TONGUE! because these pecks are a little too PG for me.

All was right in the world. Kacie had smoochie times with Ben, Samantha was sent packing and we finally heard Casey S. speak for the first time. I could almost fall asleep until it was Courtney’s ten minutes with Ben. The girl has completely mastered this competition. She knows that Ben is already head over heels for her so instead of cooing in his ear and kissing him, she talks about how hard it is to see him go off with other girls and acts distant. Not willing to give her up just yet, Ben practically sprints to grab the rose to present to Courtney. He wasn’t going to give her the rose originally (I’m assuming it was for Kacie or Nicki) but Courtney’s need for reassurance story worked and now she is officially safe.

Elyse, you’ve been on one group date this entire season but the next one-on-one date is with Jennifer!

Ben leads Jen to a rusty looking cage covering a crater in the ground. Basically (on the most romantic date ever, obviously) the two are going to climb into the crater, hang from some ropes and then drop into the water! Be still my heart. Shocker, she’s scared of heights, which prompts the cliche “we have to be willing to take this plunge together” and ”relationships are all about trust and diving into the unknown” from Ben. SIDE EYE.

After their spelunking expedition (it wasn’t exactly an expedition or spelunking, they literally went for a quick dip in cave water) the two get caught in the rain during dinner as we hear more dating history from Jennifer. Ben describes Jen as a good kisser, again, and since they’ve already swapped spit a few times, I’m assuming she is going to get a rose. And, in fact, she does. Then the two watch an outdoor Clay Walker (who?) concert on a raised table above the rest of the crowed. Literally putting a girl on a pedestal.

It’s finally time to wind down for cocktail time! The first drama of the evening is that Emily PhD is really bothered about Courtney’s behavior around the girls and is contemplating telling Ben. I strongly disagree with that. Talking smack about other girls to Ben or any guy will never be a good idea. But she blurts out a quick ”I think Ben will be happy when I say something to him” before finally confronting him. FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

Ben essentially shuts down when Emily tries to talk about Courtney and more or less ends the conversation abruptly. Emily, you’re questioning Ben’s judgement, did you think he would be happy about this conversation? You in danger, girl.

Emily is now talking about their conversation to the other girls and to Casey, who really likes Courtney, immediately runs to Courtney and spills. And then, The Standoff. As much as I hate to admit it, Courtney makes a good point — you have one on one time with Ben and you talk about another girl? Not a good move. The two throw dagger-like stares at each other and question the other’s maturity level before the “fight” ends in Emily crying.

But get it together now because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time! Ben says it’s the turning point where all the emotions and love feelings are real so let’s see what happens with 8 roses and one going home!

Who stays: Rachel Nose Ring, Courtney and Jennifer already have roses; Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki(y), Kacie B., Elyse (who?), Blake, Casey S. and Emily!! Girl, you got a lot of redeeming to do.

Casualties: Samantha was sent packing like an hour ago and now Monica, bye!

Next up! Puerto Rico! Kissy time with Blake! I think Nicki(y) finally admits that she’s divorced! Elyse gets a date! Emily talks bad about Courtney, again, to Ben! Courtney and Ben go skinny dipping! The other girls are shocked!

Remember Jenna?

Last week was just a glimpse into Ben’s childhood in Sonoma and now it’s onward into manhood as the ladies venture to Ben’s current residence in San Fransisco. The gals are already getting into the bubbly in the limo so, like most episodes, we can except at least one drunken cry fest! Yippee!

Julia, Ben’s sister who kind of reminds me of Khloe Kardashian, also lives in San Fran. While quickly catching up over iced-tea, Ben says, “the girls are… (pause with a look of pure panic) incredible.” Subtle, Ben, subtle. What could have passed as a brief pause of elation for the fact that you have 16 women throwing themselves at you, I know what you really wanted to say. “Some of these girls are… straight up crazy!” Then he mouths “help me” as he tries to avoid the producer’s gaze. Ah, if only.

My favorite moment of this reunion is when Julia says, “This [The Bachelor] will be a very funny story to talk about later on in life!” False. If Ben proposes, marries and stays married to one of these ladies, you will never forget his stint on The Bachelor. Ever. It will not be something five years from now you can say, “ho ho ho, remember that one time?” Because if you recall the most successful Bachelorette love story, Trista and Ryan, they have been on the covers of magazines and in the press since their engagement in 2003, almost ten years ago. So, no, Julia, unless this experiment fails miserably, your brother will be be on countless wedding specials, E! News episodes and covers of Star Magazine for many years to come.

Anyway, Chris (the host if I haven’t mentioned that before) gives the ladies a strange little speech about dates. I’ll paraphrase: “If you are on a one-on-one date with Ben and you do not receive a rose, you will be immediately sent packing. Bye! Also, not every girl will be invited on individual or group dates each week, so if you’re going to be seeing Ben, you better treat it as your last.” Essentially this would have been a good speech for last week’s episode, since you know, it was the introduction of the dating episodes, but I guess never late than never is acceptable. Thanks, Chris! See you at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~

After getting settled into their hotel, the first one-on-one date goes to Emily PhD! She is really cute and I liked that she put Purell on Ben’s hands during their first meeting… and then gave him breath spray for a little kissy kiss. However, my brief happiness for their date to come is quickly diminished by, you guessed it, Courtney. Courtney, who always has something to add, thinks that Ben’s date with Emily will be a bit boring. She admits that a lot of ladies are very well educated (ie: Emily the PhD student and Jennifer the accountant) but that being book smart makes them boring. Girl, it sounds like you didn’t go to college and for that I give you the side eye of shame. I just now decided that each week I will be giving out the “Side Eye of Shame” award to one girl who is particularly worthy of being judged. This week it goes to Courtney.

We first get to see a weird little clip of Ben and PhD literally running at each other, but we’ll just ignore that for now because today the two are them are climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge! And, shocker! PhD hates heights. But according to Ben, relationships are about taking risks and diving into the unknown. However, I wouldn’t mention that to Emily who might picture the two of you accidentally diving off the Bay Bridge and into the unknown waters of death below. Best keep that to your confessional, B. I will admit, climbing the bridge together will probably bring the two closer together, you know, through fear, but isn’t this a strange situation to get to know someone? I’m assuming they’ll have a meal afterward to talk, because talking at like 300 feet in the air is a bit… awkward. When Emily gets stuck Ben starts to yell, “Talk to me, Goose!” Goose? What? Just adding that tidbit in there for headline’s sake. (Edit: My dear friend Caitlin gave me a nice heads up that this line is a reference to Top Gun. However, I am not an 18-year-old fraternity initiate so I am not sure how or why this movie would be relevant to my life. Plus, Tom Cruise creeps me out!)

The next scene just stole about 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back. From the hotel window Jennifer found Ben and Emily through the telescope! Now the camera man on the bridge is waving the camera in crazy different directions! This segment is slowly turning into dragging minutes of helicopter views, Ben kissing Emily to make her feel better and the two of them screaming. And cheesy metaphors of how climbing a bridge is like a relationship and a bridge is like two people coming together and that this bridge is like is Ben and Emily’s new relationship. If I were an editor I could have made that entire montage a full 60 seconds. But we’re back from the commercial break and Emily and Ben get to enjoy a wardrobe change and a nice dinner by the bridge, with, you guessed it, wine. Like all first one-on-ones, the two talk about their failed relationships (Emily was matched on a dating website with her older brother. Awkward!) and Ben admits that he likes how the two of them interact and likes that Emily is probably smarter than he is, and presents her with a rose. I wonder if Ben is starting to feeling all those “love feelings” again. Remember — Emily is smarter than you so I wouldn’t use the phrase “love feelings” around her!

While Emily and Ben make kissy faces and watch fireworks, the group date is announced: Blakeley (honestly, she’s just going to be “Blake” from now on because that “ley” is totally unnecessary), Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel Nose Ring, Nicki, Elyse and Casey S. I’m sort of bummed that Courtney was not called for the group date. I don’t think she’ll get another one-on-one date with Ben this episode, but I am really curious to see how she interacts with Ben along with other ladies on a group date. Then maybe her true, icky colors will be revealed and Ben will see how nasty she is around other people. But, alas, that will have to wait until another episode.

The girls and Ben — in their (product placement) Honda CRVs — are going to be skiing down a San Fransisco street. Doesn’t that seem um, dangerous? I’ve been skiing a few times on… let’s call them hills… and even those are scary! The streets in San Fran are not only disgustingly steep and made of PAVEMENT, but the ladies are forced to ski in their bathing suits. That just begs for some heinous falls and gross ice burn on their legs.

While the ladies “ski,” the date card for the next individual date is presented to… Brittney! That’s surprising because Lindzi was not chosen for any individual dates nor group dates since receiving the First Impression Rose in the first episode and everyone assumed she would be receiving the next date. But now Brittney admits that she is torn and confused about receiving the next one-on-one date. Brittney doesn’t want to be in a house competing with other girls and has decided that she’s going to go home. Honestly, I have to respect Brittney for this decision. It must be extremely awkward to try to date someone while competing against dozens of other women for his time and affection. But, hey, I guess it is actually weird because this is not real life! So she said “peace” and Ben says “that sucks” but I don’t think he really cares that Britt’s leaving, he is more concerned that any of the women could leave at any time. Well, buckle down dude and start showing the ladies that you really like that you really do care. The replacement one-on-one date will go to Lindzi/Horsey instead!

Now that the fun, impersonal skiing times are over, it’s time for cocktails at a swanky San Fran club. Ben has make outs number two and three of the episode while Kacie watches. Stop it, girl! She finally admits that it’s hard to watch Ben “date” other girls and Ben is like “sorry, I have no words to console you!” (because I’m hanging out with other sexy ladies)! Even though he reconnects with Kacie, he ends up giving a rose to Rachel Nose Ring.

On their one-on-one, Ben and Lindzi catch a trolley car for a tour of San Fran. Not cliche at all! Ben’s voice over says, “This is my home, this is my city, this is where I want to spend the rest of my life.” Ben, I think you’re cheating on Sonoma with San Francisco. Again, a la last episode, Ben takes Lindzi to an abandoned City Hall with a key he just magically pulls out of his pocket. It’s pitch black and Ben starts to lead her into the dome of the building. I sound like I’m writing the beginning of a Dateline episode. “Lindzi walked into City Hall that night and was never seen again…” Well, she isn’t kidnapped and the two dance to a Matt Nathanson song, live, and I have to wonder if the producers tapped her on the shoulder before they entered City Hall to say, “Psst… that’s Matt Nathanson. You’ve probably never heard of him nor have half our audience, but we just thought you ought to know.”

Ben takes Lindzi to a restaurant, a speakeasy if you will, with secret doorways and bookcases that open up into different rooms. And it’s dark. Again, can we get a date that takes place in daylight with a police officer a short distance away? The two talk about failed relationships, again, and Ben likes that Lindzi, with her Ke$ha voice, is independent and can laugh at herself. She is presented with a rose. I’m starting to snooze. At the end of each individual date Ben always says “this was the best date ever!” or “I think I could spend my life with her!” So I’m ready for a bad, awkward date. Episode four better bring it because now I’m starting to get bored.

OH MY GOD. I LOOK AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS TO RESPOND TO A TEXT MESSAGE ABOUT DOWNTON ABBEY WITH MY FRIEND LIZ AND THERE GOES BEN, AGAIN, TEACHING ANOTHER GIRL HOW TO PLAY THE EFFING PIANO. BEN. LISTEN TO ME. GIVE IT UP. AND YOU’RE PLAYING THAT DAVID GRAY SONG AGAIN!! I REFUSE TO REMOVE CAPS LOCK OR EDIT MY WORDS TO SCOLD YOU FOR YOUR OVERUSE OF THE PIANO. I BETTER NOT SEE ANOTHER PIANO FOR THE REST OF THIS SEASON UNLESS IT’S AT YOUR WEDDING PLAYING THE WEDDING MARCH. I know for a while I didn’t believe that you could actually play the piano so is this my punishment? Please, leave the piano thing alone. #endrant

An elusive lady just spoke with Chris on the phone and said she is on her way! So this must be a close friend or ex-girlfriend of Ben’s who is waiting to get in on the action. So now it’s cocktail time and… oh no! It’s a girl from a previous season from The Bachelor who thinks that Ben F. is the one for her. It’s some woman named Shawntel! And if I watched previous seasons of The Bachelor I might have gasped out loud, but I have no idea who she is other than the fact that she is a funeral director. If she makes it past this episode I think I know who will be on the next episode of “Digging Deeper.”

Sigh, it wouldn’t be an episode of The Bachelor season 16 without some sort of rude comment from Courtney who this time thinks the girls are naive and juvenile and she would never be friends with them in real life. At the moment she is (awkwardly) saying that Lindzi was giving judgey looks to Elyse? That was weird. Courtney is weird. I don’t know if it’s an intimidation method or what, but she is a completely different person around Ben. But now that she’s gotten in the girls’ heads again, it’s time to make a visit to Ben who has really missed Courtney. He didn’t expect to feel this way so quickly and that frightens me. He is like a big puppy around her, wagging his tail and following her around. I just can’t tell if she is genuine around him or genuinely a bitch to the girls.

Now it’s time for Shawntel to walk in and all hell breaks loose! “Who is that?” “Who is that girl?” “Who is she?” “That’s the funeral director!” Apparently she and Ben have talked in the past and Shawntel wanted to give Ben the opportunity to think about things and possibly give her a rose. We shall see, oddly named girl, because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time!

Who stays: Emily PhD, Rachel Nose Ring and Lindzi/Horsey already received roses; Courtney, Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S., Blake, Monica, Nicki, Samantha and …

Before the final girl could be called, Erika almost passes out! “Are you anemic?” someone screams. She’s probably, I don’t know, dehydrated because of all of the vino she was forced to drink?! I wonder if in their contracts it says, “You must drink alcohol at every cocktail party or individual/group date. You may never drink water.” Everyone is blaming all hell breaking loose on Shawntel, but I think Erika passing out can be blamed on too-high heels, locking her knees, staying awake until 3 a.m. for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and not staying hydrated. I mean, I am no doctor but I doubt Shawntel’s presence alone would make a girl pass out. Now I am LOL’ing because Erika was really sick and now she doesn’t even get a rose because after all of the chaos Ben comes to a decision that the final rose will not be given to anyone. Later!

Casualties: Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntel… if she even counts.

Next up! Park City, Utah! Exclamation points! Horses! Courtney causing drama!

I miss Jenna.

After a quick Google search I discovered that, full name, Courtney Robertson not only has a fully functioning website (sorry Jenna) with photos and agent listings, but she has appeared on the cover of Fitness magazine and in commercials and several print advertising campaigns. It’s hard to tell how old Courtney is in most of these photographs (she is currently 28-years-old) but it totally looks like she was/is an actual working model. According to her site, Courtney has modeled for the likes of IZOD, Clarisonic, Scottsdale (yes, the city in Arizona) and has even impersonated Audrey Hepburn for a photo shoot.

Image courtesy of Starcasm.

I, for one, am shocked. Like I said, most “models” on these reality shows do not actually have working, paying jobs, but Courtney has had some actual work. I thought my work was done! This was going to be a short little post with more information and less mockery. I found her ads, her commercials and multiple photo shoots, so I was going to pat myself on the back for a half-assed job well done and leave it at that. But then I remembered that once upon a time Courtney dated an actor. And then take a look at this piece of evidence! Courtney attended the 2005 Emmy awards! Not as an awards model but as the date of one-time hottie (debatable) Jesse Metcalfe of Desperate Housewives fame! We know in her episode that Courtney admitted to dating an actor, but does this seem suspicious? An actual working model (she is no Miranda Kerr but at least her resume is semi-respectable) who once dated a relatively well-know (at the time) actor on another hit ABC show? They only dated briefly but still, wouldn’t the producers have discovered this little fact and think that her semi connection to ABC would be a bit… strange? Is it blatant fame mongering?

I don’t know, guys. Maybe it’s because I don’t get good vibes from Miss Model, but I just don’t trust her after this revelation. Not only does she incessantly lick or bite her lips and that just annoys me, but she’s also really degrading to the other girls solely for competition’s sake. However, there are multiple rumors that she is in this season of The Bachelor for the long haul, so we will not only have to deal with her bland voice, but we will have plenty more time to see if more incriminating evidence comes to light.

#helpme

Scotch the Jack Russell Terrier! Kudos to Ben F. for having such a sweet pup. Fortunately, Scotch will be making quite a few appearances in this episode, which is yay! for me. It was such a nice departure from all of the other dogs. #woof

The episode begins with the ladies arriving at Ben’s home in Sonoma, which only leaves me to wonder, is that Ben’s real home or just a provided property from ABC? See? I don’t know what’s real anymore! As the women pile around the pool, Ben immediately pops open the vino. That’s my kind of party! You know, the kind where I have to battle 17 other women for a date with a tan man, all while casually sipping a nice merlot. Well, I’m not sure if it’s actually a merlot, but it is red and probably not Yellow Tail.

But it’s immediately down to business when Kacie B. is handed the sacred first date kard! Way to go KB from Tennessee! I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Bitchy model Courtney sure is disappointed. She thinks Kacie B. is annoying and hopes she doesn’t get a rose that she must receive on this date or it’s immediately back to the South. So in the words of RuPaul: “Good luck and don’t f*ck it up!”

Ben takes Kacie on a little trip around “downtown” Sonoma or as I like to say, a deserted town with a church. This is how this went down in my head: Isn’t Sonoma so beautiful at night? (Late, late at night.) You can see so much! (Not really.) Let me lead you into a dark, unfamiliar town down empty streets. Don’t you just love being kidnapped?

And then they are lead to another piano! Maybe Ben really does play the piano after all? Now I feel like a beyotch for not believing in him. I’m sorry, Ben! Anyway, this date is lame. Kacie bought a baton at a candy shop and showed him her skills, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, she literally threw a baton up and down and twirled it around. Welcome to America’s most quaint town with America’s most boring couple! I know that I love Kacie so much, but it’s more fun to be cynical. And the two of them together, while cute, is pretty PG.

During dinner Ben told Kacie that meeting a girl like her reaffirmed that doing The Bachelor was a good idea. How sweet. Of course she was presented with a rose and because he’s so comfortable with her, he takes her to an empty theater for a special treat. (Seriously? You take her around a practically abandoned town. You buy her candy at the candy store. You force her into her to an empty theater. This sounds more like The Serial Killer to me.)

To show how much family means to him, and this part really creeps me out to this day, Ben F. starts showing home movies of Kacie. Where did he get these? And then it transitions into home movies of Ben and his family. WHY, WHY, WHY? Is this romantic? Ben is crying because he misses his father, Kacie is crying in her confessional because she wouldn’t know how to feel if her father passed away, then there are more videos of Ben playing the piano as a child. Ok, I get it. Ben can play the piano for reals. ABC, you are slowly gaining my trust. But whoever helped Ben think of this date needs to be fired. Immediately.

#theycry #thentheykiss

Ben chooses Brittany, Nose Ring, Oklahoma, Blakeley, PhD, Jenna the Blogger, Shawn the Mom, Mammoth, Samantha, Jamie, Divorcee and Jacklyn to accompany him on the group date. Blakeley says, “I don’t want to go on a date with 11 other women. I want a date with Ben.” But, if I remember correctly, last week you were practically making out with Monica the Mammoth during cocktail time. You and your big boobies are confusing me, girlfran!

After some more words from Ben about his love of community and Sonoma (I wonder how many times he said Sonoma this episode? I’m not going to count), it is revealed that the women have to audition and perform in a production written by… drumroll… children! The looks of horror on the women’s faces say it all… um. It says something, ok! During a montage of the women making asses of themselves, some do surprising well and others bomb. And Blakeley is wearing a very appropriate outfit for children!

#cutejumper

Naturally, the ladies start drinking before their performance of “Prince Pinto of Bachelorville.” Get it? It’s because he’s a bachelor and makes wine! The plot of the play was lost on me — basically the women are dressed up as weasels, wizards, a princess and a gingerbread man — but all you need to know is that most of the women get to kiss him (horny kids!) and the show ends with Ben stripping down to furry underwear.

#mythoughtsexactly

During champagne by the pool, everyone openly discusses how much they dislike Blakeley. Samantha (seriously, who?) is so upset by B’s behavior that she goes to sit alone in the bathroom. Her message must have really come across strong because Blakeley is now on her one-on-one time with Ben! Ben thinks that Blakeley is super grounded and go with the flow, and that everyone likes here. Well, newsflash! Nobody does. Ben is truly oblivious, isn’t he?

PhD doesn’t understand Blakeley’s strategy. “I know it involves a lot sex appeal, which probably worked very well for her in the past.” Well, PhD, there is your answer. Blakeley’s strategy is her sex appeal. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK because it seems like her strategy worked since Blakely received the next rose.

While the other women enjoy champagne and fighting for sexy times with Ben (he makes out with Oklahoma and Blakeley), the remaining women are about to receive the next one-on-one date card, which goes to Courtney. “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” she slyly asks Kacie after Kacie reads the card allowed. I told you! Bitchy. Courtney has truly spent the last few hours “deflating” the other women emotionally with her weird monotone voice and sensually biting her lip.

All you need to know during Ben and Courtney’s one-on-one date is Scotch the Jack Russell Terrier was there!!

#alltherosesforscotch

Ok, I guess you need to know more. The two venture off into the forest, which prompts me to ask, “what the eff is wrong with you Ben?” First you take Kacie to the dark streets of a strange town and now you’re taking Courtney into the middle of the forest while you force your dog to howl. Maybe PhD can give you some therapy.

They talk. Ben opens up the vino. (Wine should really be the 26th woman of this competition.) Courtney calls Ben a good dad with his little puppy pup. She talks in the baby voice. I am frustrated. She licks or bites her lips every chance she gets. And is being a model really a life-long career? I think the next episode of digging deeper will be Courtney’s so-called model “career.” Courtney is given a rose after she opens up about her trust issues. The camera zooms out, probably because Ben is slipping her some tongue.

How are there 25 minutes left? Oh yeah, another cocktail party. Well that does mean more drunk times, and since JB has been pretty much non-existent in this episode, I’m *hoping* she drinks a bit too much vino and sheds some more tears. Do not disappoint me, Jenna!

After Blakeley steals the spotlight from many of the ladies’ one-on-one times (which is like, totally unfair because she already has a rose!), and everyone talks about her behind her back, it’s finally one-on-one time with JB. First, she drops a blanket on a candle. Then she starts to talk and literally makes no sense. I know she wants to say, “I am not like other girls” but she instead says, “I’m not, like, a girl. If that makes any sense.” NO, it does not. Then she runs to the bedroom to cry under the covers while Blakeley curls up in a ball to cry in the luggage room. The women who cry together (in separate rooms) are automatically deemed dramatic. Get it together!

Thank God it’s Chris to the rescue! He finally ounces that it’s time for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and with only 13 roses, five are going home!

Who stays: Jennifer Oklahoma, Emily PhD, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel aka Nose Ring, Lindzi/Horsey, Nicki the Divorcee, Casey S, Samantha, Monica, Jamie the Nurse and Brittany.

Casualties: JB (maybe I spent too much analyzing her) and Shawn the Mom. Adios!

Oh. Only two are going home? I thought we started out with 18 women and he handed out 13 roses, so 18 minus 13 is 5? But maybe we didn’t start out with 18 and I’m totally wrong. OH wait! Kacie, Blakeley and Courtney were already given roses so yes, it all makes sense. LOL, don’t care! I’m more concerned that Jenna is in the living room bawling her eyes out. It appeared that in total she and Ben had about 20 minutes of interaction  and most of the time she couldn’t put together a coherent sentence. That and she cried during the past two episodes, so why is she so upset? Maybe now she’ll have more time to update her blog! Bye!

Next up! San Francisco! A one-on-one with Horsey! Fireworks! Tears! Brittany revealing something shocking! An ex girlfriend shows up! Erica passes out! I will make up a nickname for Blakeley because I literally hate typing that out every time!

And then during the end credits they show cute, genuine moments between Kacie and Ben from their date. Why does every other segment seem so cheap and set up? Why not show this, the more goofy sides of people? I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR EDITING, ABC!

In proper investigative journalist form, I did a quick search on LinkedIn and hey! what do you know? I found JB’s profile, image to the left. (Side note: I’m very proud of myself for nicknaming her “JB” after “Jenna the Blogger” and then discovering her real initials are, in fact, JB!) And take a look at that! She studied at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. What a small, small world. With a connection in Ohio, maybe we are more alike than I thought?

Unfortunately, Jenna’s LinkedIn page is boring me, like most LinkedIn profiles do. If you ever add me on LinkedIn, please give me at least a month to add you back considering it’s the most useless website of all time. If you have made a genuine professional connection on LinkedIn, please prove me wrong. But instead of creepily stalking her employment history, I want to get down to the real business here, which is to over analyze Jenna’s over analyzing blog. Here is its description: “I enjoy analyzing. It’s one of the things people may consider a problem, yet it’s one of the things I really like to do. I think it makes us more interesting and leads us to new discoveries. Overanalyzing happens because you really have a deep interest in learning about life, the good and the bad. I embrace my desires, I feel inspired and I witness the beauty.”

Bolding emphasis is my own and here is why: Over analyzing situations is a problem, Jenna, which you so aptly proved on the first episode as you over analyzed Monica’s intentions. In simpler terms, you freaked the eff out for no apparent reason. You spent the episode crying to any and every girl that would hear your story and then you almost missed the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ because you were in the bathroom smearing your mascara. Ben even confronted you about the drama and you straight up lied. Long story short, you over analyzing almost cost you a spot on this TV show. It is something many people consider a flaw. Do I think your over analyzing makes you more interesting? It made you the butt of many a joke on Twitter that night so, maybe yeah, you were more interesting to mock. #endrant

My first major issue with Jenna’s website is that, while under construction, you can still read all of her old posts. What bothers me the most is that she has a nice little banner that you would expect to be able to click on. However, below this banner it says “CLICK HERE” four times in a row, obviously meant to be links on the banner. Not only is this sloppy HTML work, but the links don’t even work! Why not hire out a designer and post a simple “Under Construction” graphic without the option for readers to troll the rest of your content? Not good so far, Jenna, not good at all.

While browsing Jenna’s blog posts, I discovered that some of the posts were written by other sources. A post titled “A Colorful Diet” is sourced via another website. (The link didn’t work, PS.) And “Natural Sleeping Aids & Remedies?” Jenna offers a list of 10 ways to help one sleep, but I have no idea where she got this information. How do I know that taking a 5-hour midday nap won’t help me sleep better at night? I took plenty of naps in college and had no problem sleeping in until noon the next day. Give me some proper sources or links, por favor. But then I decided to look through more than one page of posts and I sort of take back what I just wrote, but I won’t delete it. Most of her posts are just images from other sites, a Beyonce music video and a brief review of Crazy Stupid Love. All in all, it’s like most love/lifestyle/fashion blogs you find on the Internet. Except it’s written by a current Bachelor girl! So now you know.

Word count of “analyst/analyze/analyzing (including this line): 14

It all started with a little blog called “Dressed by Numbers,” which you can totally still read here. Looking through old posts makes me realize that I really wasn’t very fashionable, I just liked attention and talking about myself! But seriously. I just wore skinny jeans with flats and a new top every day. And I didn’t really care about fashion either. Now since moving to NYC my go-to garb is black on black on black because it’s lyk3, sew c00L & So NyC~*

ANYWAY! Don’t call it a comeback. But it is. And my first project is going to be …drum roll… live blogging The Bachelor! That’s right, I will be reviewing the extremely uncomfortable-to-watch ABC reality show featuring 25 desperate women vying for the attention of one man in his upper-20s who for some reason can’t find a girlfriend in a bar! I mean, c’mon guy, did you really try that hard? But it’ll be great, I swear. This might be better as a video blog because I suffer what I call “extreme secondhand embarrassment syndrome” where I get so uncomfortable watching certain situations that I literally cannot function. I’m sure that would be fun to watch, but I think it’s weird when people get super obsessed with video bloggers on YouTube. Instead you’ll have to READ my words rather than hear them. That’s right, youth of America! I’m going to force you to read instead of mindlessly text and surf the Internet while listening to charlieissocoollike videos on the background. Sheesh, teens are obsessed with that British kid, huh?

Even though I call it live blogging, I won’t post my thoughts until after the episode airs. Maybe like an hour later? Depends on my words typed per minute that night. My notes are not pretty. It’s a lot of “girl with nose ring wearing red dress who is completely forgettable is annoying.” I definitely need to sift through them because you deserve some effort on my part. Maybe I’ll even “pop open” an online thesaurus for some fancy lingo. Maybe. But all-in-all I hope it’s going to be very EW-esque. Their recaps are just so damn entertaining! That’s my goal, to be the next recap blogger, so stan for me, ya’ll!

Is that it, Amanda? Yes, me, that is. There you go. My (Jesus M. Christ, lengthy!) introduction to my new project. If it goes well and I get bored just doing one show a week, maybe I’ll amp it up and start live blogging Jersey Shore, too? OR NO. MTV’s Challenge returns in a few weeks and since it is my private dream to be a 30-year-old alcoholic competing for tens of thousands of dollars on cable TV, live blogging that series will be the perfect addition to my new project. Done and done.

Let’s Do This
I’m over a week behind on blogging the first episode of The Bachelor considering episode two aired this past Monday night, but better late than never! After I recap episode two tomorrow I promise to be more on top of things. Like the girls and The Bachelor! #oohhh #thatdidntreallywork #reallythatmadenosense #iwillusehashtagsalot #hashtagsarealwaysrelevent

First things first: we are introduced to Ben F. And yes, I know it’s inappropriate to call him “Ben F.” because he is no longer competing against Ben “Whatever His Last Initial Was” for Ashely’s heart, but as last season of The Bachelorette was my first taste of the hit ABC show, his name is forever burned into my skull as “Ben F.” Viewers are forced to watch his proposal to Ashley, AGAIN, and boy, is it cringe-worthy. It’s just… embarrassing. I’m sorry, dude, there is no other way to describe the whole situation besides pathetic, awkward and… yikes. Not only is he kind of gross and sweaty, who just says, “Will you marry me?” Where’s the romance? The lead up? The suspense? You just went for it and lost… kind of like a failed sports reference I want to use, but nothing is coming to mind, so there you go. Tim Tebow. LOL.

During The Bachelorette, Ben F. was emotionally stuck but his embarrassing national heart break has helped made him unstuck! His mind is literally blown by all the “love-feelings” he now is able to have. (That is poetry, man.) We then watch Ben play like, three chords on the piano that, HUH? magically transforms into David Gray’s “This Years Love?” Instead of admiring his piano skills, I just have to wonder if the producers gave him an hour to learn 15 seconds of a song and said “GO!” for a nice segment of him playing a piano outdoors. That’s right, an outdoor piano. Spare no expense, ABC! Damn, being a journalist has made me so cynical. I will admit though, his bronze skin looks ver-ver nice in a baby blue deep-v.

#derp

So where is Ben F. now, post Ashley Herbert heartbreak? He still owns a winery, travels back and forth between San Fransisco and Sonoma to check up on his sweet babies (vino) and has reconnected with some old friends. Apparently likes to kayak and sensually look at the ocean. Enough of him! Let’s meet the ladies!

We are only given brief introductions to seven gals, while I assume the other 20 or so (I will literally not do match. Screw you, 25 minus 7!) are watching at home wondering why the cameras didn’t follow them around their perspective hometowns. And I will spoil you! Not all of the following seven ladies made it past the first ~*Rose Ceremony*~ I think? Honestly, I’m not very good with names or faces. Just wait for my nicknames!

First up we have 27-year-old Lindzi (AKA People Shouldn’t be Allowed to Name Children) who loves to ride horses. She even uses her equestrian background as a euphemism for life! “If love knocks you down then you need to get back up in the saddle!” Sounds purposely sexual. Then she settles on looking forlorn at her horses. Get it, girl!

For the next girl I’m just going to present you with these notes: “Amber. She said she was 28 but the TV said 29? Has weird Ke$ha voice, shoots guns, Nebraska, eats cow balls.” That about sums her up!

And then we have my favorite, Kacie! “Why is she your favorite, Amanda?” you may be wondering. Well boys and girls, she is cute. And has a cute little Tennessee accent and cute brown hair and just seems sweet. Plus she has an obligatory “my grandparents had such true love” story that you just can’t hate her! (Later my coworker Lindsay said she hated her. Whatever!) Following perfection in human form we are introduced to obvious bitch/enemy of the season, Courtney. “Model Courtney” is the can’t-be-bothered-by-other-girls-even-though-other-girls-are-intimated-by-me, girl.

Jamie is a cute looking nurse nurse with a sob… wait for it… story. You know, the age old “I had to adopt my younger siblings because my mom was a drug addict” sob story. Okay, yeah, I shouldn’t make fun of her because that is pretty respectable. But I can just see her now, crying to Ben F., “I love my siblings and had such a difficult time growing up,” and then he will be like, “Wow, that is so amazing, I like you for your courage.” And yeah… I just made up a completely normal and plausible situation in my head.

All I can say about the next girl, Lyndsie (seriously, WTF at these name spellings?) is that she needs to stop. Just stop. Your weird English accent is off-putting and I want to fire whatever producer made you gallivant around in kimonos speaking Japanese. We get it. You’re traveled and you’re British. Bye, now!

And finally, the girl we’ve all been waiting for, Jenna the Blogger, who is seen crying during the previews! You should check out her blog, “The Over Analyst,” even though it’s under construction. I hope she gets at least like, 200 new hits after the episode. During her introduction for a split second I thought, well hey, this is me! I’m a freelance writer and sometimes blogger… but I’m not sipping red wine in the middle of the afternoon on Central Park West and I definitely don’t have a one bedroom apartment. So I’m calling it now — trust fund baby! And she has ombre hair, which after some research, I discovered costs like $300 in NYC. And I can already tell that she is super insecure and hey, we all know I’m not that.

God, we have so much more to cover so I hope you’re comfortable.

Shawn is a *single mom alert!* who works in finance and uses her segment to force her son to pretend to go to sleep for the cameras. I really love the authenticity of these little segments. Just walk along the Phoenix streets and look sensually off into the distance, it’s very natural.

Our final close encounter with the ladies is Nikki (or it could be Nyckie because you never know with these ladies) a Texas girl, who is also very cute a la Kacie. But divorced! At 26! *judging you* Then she prompts the camera, “it’s weird to think that in two months I could be engaged,” which lead me to write: “Yes, it IS weird to think in two months you could be engaged. Maybe, like, I don’t know, establish a relationship and perhaps live with a man before getting engaged?” But, alas, this is TV and not real life. But NyKiE really wants you to know that the next time she gets engaged/married, it’s fivever, which is longer than forever.

Meeting the Ladies Meeting Ben
And now it’s time for all the gals to meet Ben F. And time for me to feel really awkward when they have 30 seconds to impress him when they climb out of the limo. How weird would it be to have to prepare a one-liner to impress a guy you’re about to be fighting other women to date. SO WEIRD! I would walk out and be like “Ah! you need a hair cut.”

#getahaircut #officiallygoingtocaptioneveryphotowithahashtag #dealwithit

But, honestly, if I were a girl on The Bachelor I would walk out and be like, “Do you watch Doctor Who? I love Amy, Rory and the Doctor. They are like a perfect, dysfunctional family. Did you trade Pokemon cards growing up? My dad would always get really into whatever my sisters and I liked so I know he spent hundreds of dollars on duplicate Beanie Babies and Pokemon Cards. If Neopets cost money I bet he would have paid for them all, too! *snort* Do you like Star Wars? Episodes one, two and three don’t count. I can quote all of The Lord of the Rings movies, extended editions. Ron Weasley is my perfect man. I’m not a woman-child stuck in a 23-year-old’s body, I promise! I like cats.” Why am I still single?!

Fortunately, all of the women on this season seem mature. And by mature I mean boring. And kind of creepy. Except for Kacie. She is perfect.

Over the next thirty minutes (yes, thirty) we meet the following: Some blond named Rachel Rose, which may or may not automatically allow her to get a rose; a law student named Erica that prompted the following from me:

OMFG SHE SAID “YOU ARE GUILTY OF BEING SEXY!” STOP. JUST STOP NOW. AND SHE DID A FINGER PISTOL POINT! YOU STOP IT, ERICA. IT MIGHT BE ERIKA BUT I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. And we meet another gal named Amber Bacon but I will not call her the Baconator like her friends. She is also Canadian. If she lasts I can already feel the jokes coming.

Even more girls: Elyse (?); Jenna the Blogger who was really awkward and tried to quote Ben F. as if he were Shakespeare but she effed it up and I am writing this instead of paying attention because I can’t bare to watch her, now she’s freaking out; Courtney the bitchy competitive girl who touches his hair and all I can think is that he needs a trim; PhD girl — I didn’t catch her name but she talked about transmitting diseases, puts Purell on her hands and that is kind of cute, actually… cute and then KISSES HIM. Forward. PhD, you’re forgettable looking but I like your style; Samantha who is Miss Pacific something something; Casey, she is also awkward but Ben F. does a good job of making her feel comfortable. She didn’t say enough to be memorable but this just makes me like Ben F. a bit more; and now the other Amber! Game hunter Amber. Doesn’t say anything but then she comes back and says, “if you don’t believe there is love at first sight, here is your second chance;” Holly from Kentucky with a big hat to distract from her face (yeah, I went there); Jamie Sob Story who isn’t particularly charming but I like her; Shira… Shira? Is there a woman there? She is literally the skinniest woman I have ever seen; Blakeley, which is like a mixture of Blake Lively, in name, not in looks; Brittney who comes with her grandma because grandma loves Ben F. I think this will help make her memorable.

God, do I really have another 50 minutes left? And ten more women?

Nicki, the divorcee; Dianna wearing a very ill-fitting white dress… like a wedding dress perhaps?; Jennifer from Oklahoma! She is a ginger and an accountant. Side note: my mom is from Oklahoma and an accountant, but not a ginger, so I’m 80% sure this Jennifer chick is not my mom is disguise; Lyndsie the English one wrote a poem! But she spoke so strangely and quickly that I didn’t have enough time to feel embarrassed; some girl walked out of the limo and into the building and only said “hi” and I want to make fun of her but I have no words; Monica misses her dog; another girl, didn’t catch her name, not rewinding; Shawn the Mom, I like her; Kacie! She is really cute. And called him Benjamin. So all I can is she is a cute Tennessee gal and I think Ben likes her, too.

AND THE LAST ONE! It’s that Lindzi girl with her horse, Levi. You know what? Gotta admit… nice technique. And everyone is jealous about that, too. “I don’t like that!” “Screw you and the horse you came in on.” Holy shnikes! I’m already annoyed with the cattiness of these girls and it’s only episode one!

At the end of all of this I only remember two names: Kacie and Jenna the Blogger. And now let the games begin.

One-on-One with Rachel: This girl said, “I’m from Massachusetts originally,” and Ben says, “oh, I don’t think I knew that?” Well OBVIOUSLY. This is your first interaction with her. Unless you’re some sort of mind reader (hot) then I would expect you to not know her place of birth. I just can’t already. Other than her nose ring, she seems OK. I now deem her Nose Ring.

One-on-One with Nicki Divorcee: Ben F. likes her bubbly energy. She says, “Everything happens for a reason! And I’m here for a reason! And I hope I’m your reason.” Reason, reason, reason. And she didn’t tell him she was divorced! I wonder if that will bite her in the ass later.

One-on-One with Lindzi: She should immediately be like, “just a heads up, my parents named me Lindzi but they spelled it really strangely. It has two I’s. and a Z.” She has horse teeth. She rode in on a horse! I deem her Horsey!

#haygurl #lolisaidhay #hayasinhorse

Oh my God, the other girls just don’t stop! “Why do you need a horse to stand out? Why do you need a grandma to stand out?” I don’t know, generic brown-haired girl, maybe because there are 25 other girls who look shockingly like you and maybe you need a gimmick to stand out among 24 other girls? Just maybe, brown-haired girl whose name I currently don’t remember and I doubt Ben F. does either. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

One-on-One with Shawn the Mom: She takes Ben outside for a little round of soccer. This might be a good chance to bring up the fact that you have a child but the next scene is with a brown-haired girl with a disgusting arm tattoo (it’s Blakeley). Not impressed.

Ben doing push ups. Dance party. White dress girl (Dianna) puts a blind fold on Ben F. and she gives him candy and he has to guess what it is. Hot tamale! Sour Patch Kid! Girl, give him something hard.

OMG. I just internally gasped. A girl. Is. Rapping. The disease girl. PhD. This is worse. Than the poem.

#marryme

Courtney the bitchy one is actually really pretty but she is talking a LOT. And she just interrupted Ben F. when he tried to talk. “I’m a model. I’m so real. I’m really nice.” Later she confessed, “we had the BEST one-on-one tonight!” but it was just a one-on-don’t-let-Ben-talk. And then she said she thought the other girls were annoying so yeah, you’re really nice.

Some things just don’t need editing, such as the following paragraph I wrote while watching: “Jenna the Blogger seems to be getting a bit drunk. Monica (have I mentioned her before?) doesn’t think she has chemistry with Ben F. so Jenna said, why are you here? and now Monica is practically making out with Blakely calling her ‘my experience’ and ‘my life forever.’ Monica ‘attacked Jenna the Blogger emotionally’ and now she’s cuddling Blakeley. Jenna the Blogger is freaking out.” BOO FREAKING HOO. If I had a breakdown every time a girl didn’t like me… okay, maybe I did have a break down but it was in the sixth grade! Grow up! You’re here for Ben F., not lezzie Monica. Better blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. Now Jenna is crying because Monica doesn’t like her. Nose Ring is going to try to smooth thing over and Monica is confused because she literally said ONE THING TO HER and JB (Jenna the Blogger) is honestly being crazy. “I just feel like you don’t like me” and Monica is like, “uh.. I don’t know you.” That was a weird confrontation and JB offered to share a tampon together. OK, I have to also admit, that was weird. JB, you are over analyzing, just like your blog (that is under construction)! I hope she had at least three glasses of wine before her crying session. And now she’s being awkwardly aggressive/accusatory toward Ben F. “You’re really calm because you can’t be dismissed.” She continuted to say “calm” and “nervous” a lot and is rambling and I truly, truly hope she is drunk because I literally have no idea what she’s talking about. Maybe she is more like me than I thought?

#silvereyeshadow

First Impression Rose time! While Jenna is bawling in the bathroom, Horsey is getting the rose! Not because of the horse, but because of the conversation they had. Horsey made Ben F. laugh. Lindzi/Horsey happily accepts the rose and got a little kissy kiss. She’s wearing too much eyeliner.

JB emerges just in time for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and she looks oddly pretty/put together for someone who just spent hours crying. She’s mad at herself now because “I preach no looking back all the time. That’s what I say in my blog!” Well girl, you and your blog lied. Also, there is no content on your blog so honestly I don’t know what you preach. Will you make it past the ceremony?! Seven are going home!

Who stays: Jamie the nurse who owns her siblings! Rachel aka Nose Ring! Blakeley? (Really?) Emil… ummm. I have no memory of her. Kacie B! Ugh, she is so cute! She’s my fav. Casey S. Blond hair, don’t care. Brittney aka grandma worked! Erica. Shawn the Mom! Nicki, the divorcee! Jennifer from Ooooklahomaaaa. Elyse. No memory. Samantha the beauty queen! Courtney the bitchy model who always bites her lip. Jacquelyn? Jacklyn? I honestly have never written that name before. Am I making this up? MONICA. Shocker. And the final rose goes to… JB!! You go, Jenna the Blogger!

Damn, where do they get these roses? The buds are perfect, the stems so straight. And honestly I think I just fabricated three new names but it ain’t a thang!

Casualties: Amber Bacon; bad British accent Lyndsie; Amber who eats cow balls; Anna (who never spoke once?); Dianna who shoved candy into Ben’s pie hole; Holly hat girl; Shira the too, too skinny girl. I feel like I’ve named more than 25 names but who cares! You seven are going home. Lata.

Ugh. I wish they did ending confessionals a la Flavor of Love where they reveal their real names. But, alas, we are already given their boring (poorly misspelled) real names so we just have to watch girls cry that they didn’t get picked first for dodgeball.

Next up! Some wide shots of mountains and the back of girls’ heads! KACIE AT THE BEACH! Red head from Oklahoma making out with Ben! An ex from Ben’s past appears? Snippets of people hating bitchy model Courtney. A BIG close up of JB with her silver eyeshadow crying. Again. Erica passing out at the Rose Ceremony! They elude that Ben proposes and she might say no? Some girl with a hint of a southern accent? Kaicie or Nicki perhaps?

The end. Until next time where I hopefully learn how to edit my writing!