Don’t Call It a Comeback… But Do

As per request of my dear, dear fans (mainly Supaphen, who asked me to blog again and I immediately said yes, no questions asked) I am going to start spewing out my brain juice into a WordPress for all the world to see again! (Is it still AP style to capitalize “Internet?” … I just looked into it, and it totally is.)

It all started with a little blog called “Dressed by Numbers,” which you can totally still read here. Looking through old posts makes me realize that I really wasn’t very fashionable, I just liked attention and talking about myself! But seriously. I just wore skinny jeans with flats and a new top every day. And I didn’t really care about fashion either. Now since moving to NYC my go-to garb is black on black on black because it’s lyk3, sew c00L & So NyC~*

ANYWAY! Don’t call it a comeback. But it is. And my first project is going to be …drum roll… live blogging The Bachelor! That’s right, I will be reviewing the extremely uncomfortable-to-watch ABC reality show featuring 25 desperate women vying for the attention of one man in his upper-20s who for some reason can’t find a girlfriend in a bar! I mean, c’mon guy, did you really try that hard? But it’ll be great, I swear. This might be better as a video blog because I suffer what I call “extreme secondhand embarrassment syndrome” where I get so uncomfortable watching certain situations that I literally cannot function. I’m sure that would be fun to watch, but I think it’s weird when people get super obsessed with video bloggers on YouTube. Instead you’ll have to READ my words rather than hear them. That’s right, youth of America! I’m going to force you to read instead of mindlessly text and surf the Internet while listening to charlieissocoollike videos on the background. Sheesh, teens are obsessed with that British kid, huh?

Even though I call it live blogging, I won’t post my thoughts until after the episode airs. Maybe like an hour later? Depends on my words typed per minute that night. My notes are not pretty. It’s a lot of “girl with nose ring wearing red dress who is completely forgettable is annoying.” I definitely need to sift through them because you deserve some effort on my part. Maybe I’ll even “pop open” an online thesaurus for some fancy lingo. Maybe. But all-in-all I hope it’s going to be very EW-esque. Their recaps are just so damn entertaining! That’s my goal, to be the next recap blogger, so stan for me, ya’ll!

Is that it, Amanda? Yes, me, that is. There you go. My (Jesus M. Christ, lengthy!) introduction to my new project. If it goes well and I get bored just doing one show a week, maybe I’ll amp it up and start live blogging Jersey Shore, too? OR NO. MTV’s Challenge returns in a few weeks and since it is my private dream to be a 30-year-old alcoholic competing for tens of thousands of dollars on cable TV, live blogging that series will be the perfect addition to my new project. Done and done.

Let’s Do This
I’m over a week behind on blogging the first episode of The Bachelor considering episode two aired this past Monday night, but better late than never! After I recap episode two tomorrow I promise to be more on top of things. Like the girls and The Bachelor! #oohhh #thatdidntreallywork #reallythatmadenosense #iwillusehashtagsalot #hashtagsarealwaysrelevent

First things first: we are introduced to Ben F. And yes, I know it’s inappropriate to call him “Ben F.” because he is no longer competing against Ben “Whatever His Last Initial Was” for Ashely’s heart, but as last season of The Bachelorette was my first taste of the hit ABC show, his name is forever burned into my skull as “Ben F.” Viewers are forced to watch his proposal to Ashley, AGAIN, and boy, is it cringe-worthy. It’s just… embarrassing. I’m sorry, dude, there is no other way to describe the whole situation besides pathetic, awkward and… yikes. Not only is he kind of gross and sweaty, who just says, “Will you marry me?” Where’s the romance? The lead up? The suspense? You just went for it and lost… kind of like a failed sports reference I want to use, but nothing is coming to mind, so there you go. Tim Tebow. LOL.

During The Bachelorette, Ben F. was emotionally stuck but his embarrassing national heart break has helped made him unstuck! His mind is literally blown by all the “love-feelings” he now is able to have. (That is poetry, man.) We then watch Ben play like, three chords on the piano that, HUH? magically transforms into David Gray’s “This Years Love?” Instead of admiring his piano skills, I just have to wonder if the producers gave him an hour to learn 15 seconds of a song and said “GO!” for a nice segment of him playing a piano outdoors. That’s right, an outdoor piano. Spare no expense, ABC! Damn, being a journalist has made me so cynical. I will admit though, his bronze skin looks ver-ver nice in a baby blue deep-v.

#derp


So where is Ben F. now, post Ashley Herbert heartbreak? He still owns a winery, travels back and forth between San Fransisco and Sonoma to check up on his sweet babies (vino) and has reconnected with some old friends. Apparently likes to kayak and sensually look at the ocean. Enough of him! Let’s meet the ladies!

We are only given brief introductions to seven gals, while I assume the other 20 or so (I will literally not do match. Screw you, 25 minus 7!) are watching at home wondering why the cameras didn’t follow them around their perspective hometowns. And I will spoil you! Not all of the following seven ladies made it past the first ~*Rose Ceremony*~ I think? Honestly, I’m not very good with names or faces. Just wait for my nicknames!

First up we have 27-year-old Lindzi (AKA People Shouldn’t be Allowed to Name Children) who loves to ride horses. She even uses her equestrian background as a euphemism for life! “If love knocks you down then you need to get back up in the saddle!” Sounds purposely sexual. Then she settles on looking forlorn at her horses. Get it, girl!

For the next girl I’m just going to present you with these notes: “Amber. She said she was 28 but the TV said 29? Has weird Ke$ha voice, shoots guns, Nebraska, eats cow balls.” That about sums her up!

And then we have my favorite, Kacie! “Why is she your favorite, Amanda?” you may be wondering. Well boys and girls, she is cute. And has a cute little Tennessee accent and cute brown hair and just seems sweet. Plus she has an obligatory “my grandparents had such true love” story that you just can’t hate her! (Later my coworker Lindsay said she hated her. Whatever!) Following perfection in human form we are introduced to obvious bitch/enemy of the season, Courtney. “Model Courtney” is the can’t-be-bothered-by-other-girls-even-though-other-girls-are-intimated-by-me, girl.

Jamie is a cute looking nurse nurse with a sob… wait for it… story. You know, the age old “I had to adopt my younger siblings because my mom was a drug addict” sob story. Okay, yeah, I shouldn’t make fun of her because that is pretty respectable. But I can just see her now, crying to Ben F., “I love my siblings and had such a difficult time growing up,” and then he will be like, “Wow, that is so amazing, I like you for your courage.” And yeah… I just made up a completely normal and plausible situation in my head.

All I can say about the next girl, Lyndsie (seriously, WTF at these name spellings?) is that she needs to stop. Just stop. Your weird English accent is off-putting and I want to fire whatever producer made you gallivant around in kimonos speaking Japanese. We get it. You’re traveled and you’re British. Bye, now!

And finally, the girl we’ve all been waiting for, Jenna the Blogger, who is seen crying during the previews! You should check out her blog, “The Over Analyst,” even though it’s under construction. I hope she gets at least like, 200 new hits after the episode. During her introduction for a split second I thought, well hey, this is me! I’m a freelance writer and sometimes blogger… but I’m not sipping red wine in the middle of the afternoon on Central Park West and I definitely don’t have a one bedroom apartment. So I’m calling it now — trust fund baby! And she has ombre hair, which after some research, I discovered costs like $300 in NYC. And I can already tell that she is super insecure and hey, we all know I’m not that.

God, we have so much more to cover so I hope you’re comfortable.

Shawn is a *single mom alert!* who works in finance and uses her segment to force her son to pretend to go to sleep for the cameras. I really love the authenticity of these little segments. Just walk along the Phoenix streets and look sensually off into the distance, it’s very natural.

Our final close encounter with the ladies is Nikki (or it could be Nyckie because you never know with these ladies) a Texas girl, who is also very cute a la Kacie. But divorced! At 26! *judging you* Then she prompts the camera, “it’s weird to think that in two months I could be engaged,” which lead me to write: “Yes, it IS weird to think in two months you could be engaged. Maybe, like, I don’t know, establish a relationship and perhaps live with a man before getting engaged?” But, alas, this is TV and not real life. But NyKiE really wants you to know that the next time she gets engaged/married, it’s fivever, which is longer than forever.

Meeting the Ladies Meeting Ben
And now it’s time for all the gals to meet Ben F. And time for me to feel really awkward when they have 30 seconds to impress him when they climb out of the limo. How weird would it be to have to prepare a one-liner to impress a guy you’re about to be fighting other women to date. SO WEIRD! I would walk out and be like “Ah! you need a hair cut.”

#getahaircut #officiallygoingtocaptioneveryphotowithahashtag #dealwithit

But, honestly, if I were a girl on The Bachelor I would walk out and be like, “Do you watch Doctor Who? I love Amy, Rory and the Doctor. They are like a perfect, dysfunctional family. Did you trade Pokemon cards growing up? My dad would always get really into whatever my sisters and I liked so I know he spent hundreds of dollars on duplicate Beanie Babies and Pokemon Cards. If Neopets cost money I bet he would have paid for them all, too! *snort* Do you like Star Wars? Episodes one, two and three don’t count. I can quote all of The Lord of the Rings movies, extended editions. Ron Weasley is my perfect man. I’m not a woman-child stuck in a 23-year-old’s body, I promise! I like cats.” Why am I still single?!

Fortunately, all of the women on this season seem mature. And by mature I mean boring. And kind of creepy. Except for Kacie. She is perfect.

Over the next thirty minutes (yes, thirty) we meet the following: Some blond named Rachel Rose, which may or may not automatically allow her to get a rose; a law student named Erica that prompted the following from me:

OMFG SHE SAID “YOU ARE GUILTY OF BEING SEXY!” STOP. JUST STOP NOW. AND SHE DID A FINGER PISTOL POINT! YOU STOP IT, ERICA. IT MIGHT BE ERIKA BUT I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. And we meet another gal named Amber Bacon but I will not call her the Baconator like her friends. She is also Canadian. If she lasts I can already feel the jokes coming.

Even more girls: Elyse (?); Jenna the Blogger who was really awkward and tried to quote Ben F. as if he were Shakespeare but she effed it up and I am writing this instead of paying attention because I can’t bare to watch her, now she’s freaking out; Courtney the bitchy competitive girl who touches his hair and all I can think is that he needs a trim; PhD girl — I didn’t catch her name but she talked about transmitting diseases, puts Purell on her hands and that is kind of cute, actually… cute and then KISSES HIM. Forward. PhD, you’re forgettable looking but I like your style; Samantha who is Miss Pacific something something; Casey, she is also awkward but Ben F. does a good job of making her feel comfortable. She didn’t say enough to be memorable but this just makes me like Ben F. a bit more; and now the other Amber! Game hunter Amber. Doesn’t say anything but then she comes back and says, “if you don’t believe there is love at first sight, here is your second chance;” Holly from Kentucky with a big hat to distract from her face (yeah, I went there); Jamie Sob Story who isn’t particularly charming but I like her; Shira… Shira? Is there a woman there? She is literally the skinniest woman I have ever seen; Blakeley, which is like a mixture of Blake Lively, in name, not in looks; Brittney who comes with her grandma because grandma loves Ben F. I think this will help make her memorable.

God, do I really have another 50 minutes left? And ten more women?

Nicki, the divorcee; Dianna wearing a very ill-fitting white dress… like a wedding dress perhaps?; Jennifer from Oklahoma! She is a ginger and an accountant. Side note: my mom is from Oklahoma and an accountant, but not a ginger, so I’m 80% sure this Jennifer chick is not my mom is disguise; Lyndsie the English one wrote a poem! But she spoke so strangely and quickly that I didn’t have enough time to feel embarrassed; some girl walked out of the limo and into the building and only said “hi” and I want to make fun of her but I have no words; Monica misses her dog; another girl, didn’t catch her name, not rewinding; Shawn the Mom, I like her; Kacie! She is really cute. And called him Benjamin. So all I can is she is a cute Tennessee gal and I think Ben likes her, too.

AND THE LAST ONE! It’s that Lindzi girl with her horse, Levi. You know what? Gotta admit… nice technique. And everyone is jealous about that, too. “I don’t like that!” “Screw you and the horse you came in on.” Holy shnikes! I’m already annoyed with the cattiness of these girls and it’s only episode one!

At the end of all of this I only remember two names: Kacie and Jenna the Blogger. And now let the games begin.

One-on-One with Rachel: This girl said, “I’m from Massachusetts originally,” and Ben says, “oh, I don’t think I knew that?” Well OBVIOUSLY. This is your first interaction with her. Unless you’re some sort of mind reader (hot) then I would expect you to not know her place of birth. I just can’t already. Other than her nose ring, she seems OK. I now deem her Nose Ring.

One-on-One with Nicki Divorcee: Ben F. likes her bubbly energy. She says, “Everything happens for a reason! And I’m here for a reason! And I hope I’m your reason.” Reason, reason, reason. And she didn’t tell him she was divorced! I wonder if that will bite her in the ass later.

One-on-One with Lindzi: She should immediately be like, “just a heads up, my parents named me Lindzi but they spelled it really strangely. It has two I’s. and a Z.” She has horse teeth. She rode in on a horse! I deem her Horsey!

#haygurl #lolisaidhay #hayasinhorse

Oh my God, the other girls just don’t stop! “Why do you need a horse to stand out? Why do you need a grandma to stand out?” I don’t know, generic brown-haired girl, maybe because there are 25 other girls who look shockingly like you and maybe you need a gimmick to stand out among 24 other girls? Just maybe, brown-haired girl whose name I currently don’t remember and I doubt Ben F. does either. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

One-on-One with Shawn the Mom: She takes Ben outside for a little round of soccer. This might be a good chance to bring up the fact that you have a child but the next scene is with a brown-haired girl with a disgusting arm tattoo (it’s Blakeley). Not impressed.

Ben doing push ups. Dance party. White dress girl (Dianna) puts a blind fold on Ben F. and she gives him candy and he has to guess what it is. Hot tamale! Sour Patch Kid! Girl, give him something hard.

OMG. I just internally gasped. A girl. Is. Rapping. The disease girl. PhD. This is worse. Than the poem.

#marryme

Courtney the bitchy one is actually really pretty but she is talking a LOT. And she just interrupted Ben F. when he tried to talk. “I’m a model. I’m so real. I’m really nice.” Later she confessed, “we had the BEST one-on-one tonight!” but it was just a one-on-don’t-let-Ben-talk. And then she said she thought the other girls were annoying so yeah, you’re really nice.

Some things just don’t need editing, such as the following paragraph I wrote while watching: “Jenna the Blogger seems to be getting a bit drunk. Monica (have I mentioned her before?) doesn’t think she has chemistry with Ben F. so Jenna said, why are you here? and now Monica is practically making out with Blakely calling her ‘my experience’ and ‘my life forever.’ Monica ‘attacked Jenna the Blogger emotionally’ and now she’s cuddling Blakeley. Jenna the Blogger is freaking out.” BOO FREAKING HOO. If I had a breakdown every time a girl didn’t like me… okay, maybe I did have a break down but it was in the sixth grade! Grow up! You’re here for Ben F., not lezzie Monica. Better blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. Now Jenna is crying because Monica doesn’t like her. Nose Ring is going to try to smooth thing over and Monica is confused because she literally said ONE THING TO HER and JB (Jenna the Blogger) is honestly being crazy. “I just feel like you don’t like me” and Monica is like, “uh.. I don’t know you.” That was a weird confrontation and JB offered to share a tampon together. OK, I have to also admit, that was weird. JB, you are over analyzing, just like your blog (that is under construction)! I hope she had at least three glasses of wine before her crying session. And now she’s being awkwardly aggressive/accusatory toward Ben F. “You’re really calm because you can’t be dismissed.” She continuted to say “calm” and “nervous” a lot and is rambling and I truly, truly hope she is drunk because I literally have no idea what she’s talking about. Maybe she is more like me than I thought?

#silvereyeshadow

First Impression Rose time! While Jenna is bawling in the bathroom, Horsey is getting the rose! Not because of the horse, but because of the conversation they had. Horsey made Ben F. laugh. Lindzi/Horsey happily accepts the rose and got a little kissy kiss. She’s wearing too much eyeliner.

JB emerges just in time for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and she looks oddly pretty/put together for someone who just spent hours crying. She’s mad at herself now because “I preach no looking back all the time. That’s what I say in my blog!” Well girl, you and your blog lied. Also, there is no content on your blog so honestly I don’t know what you preach. Will you make it past the ceremony?! Seven are going home!

Who stays: Jamie the nurse who owns her siblings! Rachel aka Nose Ring! Blakeley? (Really?) Emil… ummm. I have no memory of her. Kacie B! Ugh, she is so cute! She’s my fav. Casey S. Blond hair, don’t care. Brittney aka grandma worked! Erica. Shawn the Mom! Nicki, the divorcee! Jennifer from Ooooklahomaaaa. Elyse. No memory. Samantha the beauty queen! Courtney the bitchy model who always bites her lip. Jacquelyn? Jacklyn? I honestly have never written that name before. Am I making this up? MONICA. Shocker. And the final rose goes to… JB!! You go, Jenna the Blogger!

Damn, where do they get these roses? The buds are perfect, the stems so straight. And honestly I think I just fabricated three new names but it ain’t a thang!

Casualties: Amber Bacon; bad British accent Lyndsie; Amber who eats cow balls; Anna (who never spoke once?); Dianna who shoved candy into Ben’s pie hole; Holly hat girl; Shira the too, too skinny girl. I feel like I’ve named more than 25 names but who cares! You seven are going home. Lata.

Ugh. I wish they did ending confessionals a la Flavor of Love where they reveal their real names. But, alas, we are already given their boring (poorly misspelled) real names so we just have to watch girls cry that they didn’t get picked first for dodgeball.

Next up! Some wide shots of mountains and the back of girls’ heads! KACIE AT THE BEACH! Red head from Oklahoma making out with Ben! An ex from Ben’s past appears? Snippets of people hating bitchy model Courtney. A BIG close up of JB with her silver eyeshadow crying. Again. Erica passing out at the Rose Ceremony! They elude that Ben proposes and she might say no? Some girl with a hint of a southern accent? Kaicie or Nicki perhaps?

The end. Until next time where I hopefully learn how to edit my writing!

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