“Talk to me, Goose!”

Hey ya’ll (why do I keep introducing each blog with that?) and welcome to the recap of episode three of The Bachelor and the first blog post where I am actually on time! Get used to it because (hopefully) now each post will be updated as soon as the episode is over! I actually had a much easier time writing this post while watching it on my TV versus the computer, but now we don’t get any fun photos 😦 Oh well!

Last week was just a glimpse into Ben’s childhood in Sonoma and now it’s onward into manhood as the ladies venture to Ben’s current residence in San Fransisco. The gals are already getting into the bubbly in the limo so, like most episodes, we can except at least one drunken cry fest! Yippee!

Julia, Ben’s sister who kind of reminds me of Khloe Kardashian, also lives in San Fran. While quickly catching up over iced-tea, Ben says, “the girls are… (pause with a look of pure panic) incredible.” Subtle, Ben, subtle. What could have passed as a brief pause of elation for the fact that you have 16 women throwing themselves at you, I know what you really wanted to say. “Some of these girls are… straight up crazy!” Then he mouths “help me” as he tries to avoid the producer’s gaze. Ah, if only.

My favorite moment of this reunion is when Julia says, “This [The Bachelor] will be a very funny story to talk about later on in life!” False. If Ben proposes, marries and stays married to one of these ladies, you will never forget his stint on The Bachelor. Ever. It will not be something five years from now you can say, “ho ho ho, remember that one time?” Because if you recall the most successful Bachelorette love story, Trista and Ryan, they have been on the covers of magazines and in the press since their engagement in 2003, almost ten years ago. So, no, Julia, unless this experiment fails miserably, your brother will be be on countless wedding specials, E! News episodes and covers of Star Magazine for many years to come.

Anyway, Chris (the host if I haven’t mentioned that before) gives the ladies a strange little speech about dates. I’ll paraphrase: “If you are on a one-on-one date with Ben and you do not receive a rose, you will be immediately sent packing. Bye! Also, not every girl will be invited on individual or group dates each week, so if you’re going to be seeing Ben, you better treat it as your last.” Essentially this would have been a good speech for last week’s episode, since you know, it was the introduction of the dating episodes, but I guess never late than never is acceptable. Thanks, Chris! See you at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~

After getting settled into their hotel, the first one-on-one date goes to Emily PhD! She is really cute and I liked that she put Purell on Ben’s hands during their first meeting… and then gave him breath spray for a little kissy kiss. However, my brief happiness for their date to come is quickly diminished by, you guessed it, Courtney. Courtney, who always has something to add, thinks that Ben’s date with Emily will be a bit boring. She admits that a lot of ladies are very well educated (ie: Emily the PhD student and Jennifer the accountant) but that being book smart makes them boring. Girl, it sounds like you didn’t go to college and for that I give you the side eye of shame. I just now decided that each week I will be giving out the “Side Eye of Shame” award to one girl who is particularly worthy of being judged. This week it goes to Courtney.

We first get to see a weird little clip of Ben and PhD literally running at each other, but we’ll just ignore that for now because today the two are them are climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge! And, shocker! PhD hates heights. But according to Ben, relationships are about taking risks and diving into the unknown. However, I wouldn’t mention that to Emily who might picture the two of you accidentally diving off the Bay Bridge and into the unknown waters of death below. Best keep that to your confessional, B. I will admit, climbing the bridge together will probably bring the two closer together, you know, through fear, but isn’t this a strange situation to get to know someone? I’m assuming they’ll have a meal afterward to talk, because talking at like 300 feet in the air is a bit… awkward. When Emily gets stuck Ben starts to yell, “Talk to me, Goose!” Goose? What? Just adding that tidbit in there for headline’s sake. (Edit: My dear friend Caitlin gave me a nice heads up that this line is a reference to Top Gun. However, I am not an 18-year-old fraternity initiate so I am not sure how or why this movie would be relevant to my life. Plus, Tom Cruise creeps me out!)

The next scene just stole about 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back. From the hotel window Jennifer found Ben and Emily through the telescope! Now the camera man on the bridge is waving the camera in crazy different directions! This segment is slowly turning into dragging minutes of helicopter views, Ben kissing Emily to make her feel better and the two of them screaming. And cheesy metaphors of how climbing a bridge is like a relationship and a bridge is like two people coming together and that this bridge is like is Ben and Emily’s new relationship. If I were an editor I could have made that entire montage a full 60 seconds. But we’re back from the commercial break and Emily and Ben get to enjoy a wardrobe change and a nice dinner by the bridge, with, you guessed it, wine. Like all first one-on-ones, the two talk about their failed relationships (Emily was matched on a dating website with her older brother. Awkward!) and Ben admits that he likes how the two of them interact and likes that Emily is probably smarter than he is, and presents her with a rose. I wonder if Ben is starting to feeling all those “love feelings” again. Remember — Emily is smarter than you so I wouldn’t use the phrase “love feelings” around her!

While Emily and Ben make kissy faces and watch fireworks, the group date is announced: Blakeley (honestly, she’s just going to be “Blake” from now on because that “ley” is totally unnecessary), Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel Nose Ring, Nicki, Elyse and Casey S. I’m sort of bummed that Courtney was not called for the group date. I don’t think she’ll get another one-on-one date with Ben this episode, but I am really curious to see how she interacts with Ben along with other ladies on a group date. Then maybe her true, icky colors will be revealed and Ben will see how nasty she is around other people. But, alas, that will have to wait until another episode.

The girls and Ben — in their (product placement) Honda CRVs — are going to be skiing down a San Fransisco street. Doesn’t that seem um, dangerous? I’ve been skiing a few times on… let’s call them hills… and even those are scary! The streets in San Fran are not only disgustingly steep and made of PAVEMENT, but the ladies are forced to ski in their bathing suits. That just begs for some heinous falls and gross ice burn on their legs.

While the ladies “ski,” the date card for the next individual date is presented to… Brittney! That’s surprising because Lindzi was not chosen for any individual dates nor group dates since receiving the First Impression Rose in the first episode and everyone assumed she would be receiving the next date. But now Brittney admits that she is torn and confused about receiving the next one-on-one date. Brittney doesn’t want to be in a house competing with other girls and has decided that she’s going to go home. Honestly, I have to respect Brittney for this decision. It must be extremely awkward to try to date someone while competing against dozens of other women for his time and affection. But, hey, I guess it is actually weird because this is not real life! So she said “peace” and Ben says “that sucks” but I don’t think he really cares that Britt’s leaving, he is more concerned that any of the women could leave at any time. Well, buckle down dude and start showing the ladies that you really like that you really do care. The replacement one-on-one date will go to Lindzi/Horsey instead!

Now that the fun, impersonal skiing times are over, it’s time for cocktails at a swanky San Fran club. Ben has make outs number two and three of the episode while Kacie watches. Stop it, girl! She finally admits that it’s hard to watch Ben “date” other girls and Ben is like “sorry, I have no words to console you!” (because I’m hanging out with other sexy ladies)! Even though he reconnects with Kacie, he ends up giving a rose to Rachel Nose Ring.

On their one-on-one, Ben and Lindzi catch a trolley car for a tour of San Fran. Not cliche at all! Ben’s voice over says, “This is my home, this is my city, this is where I want to spend the rest of my life.” Ben, I think you’re cheating on Sonoma with San Francisco. Again, a la last episode, Ben takes Lindzi to an abandoned City Hall with a key he just magically pulls out of his pocket. It’s pitch black and Ben starts to lead her into the dome of the building. I sound like I’m writing the beginning of a Dateline episode. “Lindzi walked into City Hall that night and was never seen again…” Well, she isn’t kidnapped and the two dance to a Matt Nathanson song, live, and I have to wonder if the producers tapped her on the shoulder before they entered City Hall to say, “Psst… that’s Matt Nathanson. You’ve probably never heard of him nor have half our audience, but we just thought you ought to know.”

Ben takes Lindzi to a restaurant, a speakeasy if you will, with secret doorways and bookcases that open up into different rooms. And it’s dark. Again, can we get a date that takes place in daylight with a police officer a short distance away? The two talk about failed relationships, again, and Ben likes that Lindzi, with her Ke$ha voice, is independent and can laugh at herself. She is presented with a rose. I’m starting to snooze. At the end of each individual date Ben always says “this was the best date ever!” or “I think I could spend my life with her!” So I’m ready for a bad, awkward date. Episode four better bring it because now I’m starting to get bored.

OH MY GOD. I LOOK AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS TO RESPOND TO A TEXT MESSAGE ABOUT DOWNTON ABBEY WITH MY FRIEND LIZ AND THERE GOES BEN, AGAIN, TEACHING ANOTHER GIRL HOW TO PLAY THE EFFING PIANO. BEN. LISTEN TO ME. GIVE IT UP. AND YOU’RE PLAYING THAT DAVID GRAY SONG AGAIN!! I REFUSE TO REMOVE CAPS LOCK OR EDIT MY WORDS TO SCOLD YOU FOR YOUR OVERUSE OF THE PIANO. I BETTER NOT SEE ANOTHER PIANO FOR THE REST OF THIS SEASON UNLESS IT’S AT YOUR WEDDING PLAYING THE WEDDING MARCH. I know for a while I didn’t believe that you could actually play the piano so is this my punishment? Please, leave the piano thing alone. #endrant

An elusive lady just spoke with Chris on the phone and said she is on her way! So this must be a close friend or ex-girlfriend of Ben’s who is waiting to get in on the action. So now it’s cocktail time and… oh no! It’s a girl from a previous season from The Bachelor who thinks that Ben F. is the one for her. It’s some woman named Shawntel! And if I watched previous seasons of The Bachelor I might have gasped out loud, but I have no idea who she is other than the fact that she is a funeral director. If she makes it past this episode I think I know who will be on the next episode of “Digging Deeper.”

Sigh, it wouldn’t be an episode of The Bachelor season 16 without some sort of rude comment from Courtney who this time thinks the girls are naive and juvenile and she would never be friends with them in real life. At the moment she is (awkwardly) saying that Lindzi was giving judgey looks to Elyse? That was weird. Courtney is weird. I don’t know if it’s an intimidation method or what, but she is a completely different person around Ben. But now that she’s gotten in the girls’ heads again, it’s time to make a visit to Ben who has really missed Courtney. He didn’t expect to feel this way so quickly and that frightens me. He is like a big puppy around her, wagging his tail and following her around. I just can’t tell if she is genuine around him or genuinely a bitch to the girls.

Now it’s time for Shawntel to walk in and all hell breaks loose! “Who is that?” “Who is that girl?” “Who is she?” “That’s the funeral director!” Apparently she and Ben have talked in the past and Shawntel wanted to give Ben the opportunity to think about things and possibly give her a rose. We shall see, oddly named girl, because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time!

Who stays: Emily PhD, Rachel Nose Ring and Lindzi/Horsey already received roses; Courtney, Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S., Blake, Monica, Nicki, Samantha and …

Before the final girl could be called, Erika almost passes out! “Are you anemic?” someone screams. She’s probably, I don’t know, dehydrated because of all of the vino she was forced to drink?! I wonder if in their contracts it says, “You must drink alcohol at every cocktail party or individual/group date. You may never drink water.” Everyone is blaming all hell breaking loose on Shawntel, but I think Erika passing out can be blamed on too-high heels, locking her knees, staying awake until 3 a.m. for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ and not staying hydrated. I mean, I am no doctor but I doubt Shawntel’s presence alone would make a girl pass out. Now I am LOL’ing because Erika was really sick and now she doesn’t even get a rose because after all of the chaos Ben comes to a decision that the final rose will not be given to anyone. Later!

Casualties: Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntel… if she even counts.

Next up! Park City, Utah! Exclamation points! Horses! Courtney causing drama!

I miss Jenna.

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