“Every color of the rainbow!”

What’s up lady lovers? (That’s better than “hey ya’ll,” right?) and welcome to week FOUR of The Bachelor! I’m going to be honest here, I’m surprised I’ve kept up with this weekly recap. Not only do I have concentration issues but I find this program either incredibly awkward, incredibly boring or incredibly redundant with little to no in-between. Sometimes I wish I could just watch the show and not write about it, but then I realized, I would never watch this show! Oh well, I suffer for ya’ll! (Ah, there it is.)

This week Ben F. is taking the gals to Park City, Utah. No back story here! Just sweeping landscapes, mountain ranges and the screams of 13 ladies ringing from a cabin-like resort. Oh, and plenty of trees that prompted this little gem from Ben: “The colors are every color of the rainbow!” Sometimes I just can’t.

After a bit more sob from Ben (I want the girls to experience the outdoors, memories of my father and grandfather in the wilderness, blah blah blah) Chris greets the ladies with some scary advice! Without rewinding to copy it word-for-word, if you get a one-on-one with Ben DON’T talk about the weather. Thanks, Chris, I think most of these ladies are functioning human beings and realize that the weather is a taboo topic on a date. Why is there a host on this show again?

Although Kacie B. really wants a one-on-one date with Ben the first date card goes to… Rachel Nose Ring! During her interview we learn that her ex-boyfriend broke up with her over “communication issues,” which I thought would segue nicely into a confession of a speech impediment and a troubled childhood (the breathy Ke$ha voice is clinical, right?) (I die a little inside every time I have to write “Ke$ha” with that effing dollar sign) but in fact Rachel just has trouble communicating! Good thing I actually refer to this season of The Bachelor as “Make Out With Ben and You’ll Receive a Rose” or we might have a serious hindrance on our hands! Because, seriously, how is Blake still here?

Zoom back to Kacie B. crying on the porch because she wishes she were grocery shopping with Ben at this moment, not about to watch Nose Ring and BF fly off in a helicopter. Sorry girl, you are on a R-E-A-L-I-T-Y show (time to spell it out)! This is not “Let’s Watch Kacie and Ben Walk Scotch and Do Normal Things.” No, this is the “Let’s Hate Courtney and Think Rachel has a Raspy Voice and Kacie, Calm it Down” show. Man, I have some great potential titles that really roll off the tongue, no? Kacie, your jealousy and emotional over reaction are borderline getting the Side Eye of Shame award, but it’s too early to tell.

But then it gets even creepier. She wipes her tears and a manic smile comes upon her face: “But then I know he’s going to walk in and I’m going to get to see him…at least I get to see him for a minute. And he sees me and he knows I’m still here.” Girl, I want to see you get it together.

Anyway, amidst Kacie’s internal struggles, Rachel and Ben take a breathtaking helicopter ride to a deserted lake where I immediately hand out the first “Second Hand Embarrassment Alert Card” of this episode. Rachel and Ben are in their canoe on the lake, not really talking except the occasional “wow, this is so pretty” and heavy breathing and… kissing. Guess I already know she’s going to get a rose. And then I proceed to accidentally swallow an entire grape and my brief choking experience was more interesting than Rachel and Ben’s picnic date.

The two pop open a bottle of bubbly (we are really lacking in emotional drunken breakdowns lately) and… nothing. Crickets chirp, I gasp out loud, barely two words are exchanged between them. You’re outside, just be like, did you spend a lot of time outside when you were younger? Why are we in Utah this week? You see that I have a nose ring? I got this poor life decision with my friend in college. LITERALLY SAY ANY THING.

#anyhelpupthere #rainbowcolors

Ben is confused about his date with Rachel (so am I) and wondering if it maybe takes her more time to open up than the other girls. Yeah, Ben, maybe it does take more than one one-on-one date to learn the deepest, darkest secrets of a person. Or maybe this is just an example of Rachel’s poor communication skills. When I hear “poor communication skills” I assume it means you have problems opening up about your feelings, but I guess in her case it means you literally don’t talk. Thanks for the heads up!

Ben claims to be treating this new relationship with Rachel like he did with Ashley by taking it slow. Uh, newsflash! Ashley dumped your ass on national television but whatever. Rachel then “opens up” AKA says more than two words, which was apparently reason enough to receive a rose. Direct quote from Ben: “I like kissing Rachel.” You are so easy to predict, guy!

Next up on the group date with Jamie, Casey S., Blake, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and Courtney, fly fishing!

During the next segment I think Ben wishes he could have said, “I’m on a horse. Look at me, now look over there. Now look back at me, now look over there again because my horse is about to almost buck me off in the river.” But, alas, the ladies witness his embarrassing horse debacle and Lindzi almost dies in excitement because, remember, she loves horses!

During the group date (isn’t fishing so romantic and a great way to talk? noise totally attract fish!) Kacie steals Ben away for some attention, briefly, before Courtney comes and snatches him up. The other girls are like, eff this, let’s drink! but Lindzi isn’t about to let Courtney get all of the attention from Ben. However, as she watches from a distance, Courtney catches the first (and only?) fish of the day and Ben is even more in love than we originally thought.

During the cocktail portion of the group date I realize that I have the same sweatshirt as Ben. I bought it from Nordstrom but I can’t be certain if I purchased it in the ladies section. However, unlike Ben (because I am not a man), I would never be caught wearing dead flip flops in front of these women. Flip flops on a man are not natural!

During drinks Ben gets some one-on-one (ugh, I also die a little every time I have to write out “one hyphen on hyphen one” ten times a blog) with Casey S., who I think we hear speak for the first time this season, divorced Nicki with a sad story about her boss passing away before the show began filming, and then here comes Samantha!

Crazy. She is asking Ben why she’s only been on group dates thus far and instead of beating around the bush, he let’s her have it! Other than being a little tipsy during this interaction, she is called out for being overly emotional on group dates. He stops her yapping, admits that he doesn’t think she is taking this seriously, and sends her packing. SEE YA GENERIC BLONDE!

Finally, Kacie gets her glorious alone time with Ben. They kiss, they bask in their love feelings for each other and part ways. I wonder if the producers are like, NO TONGUE! because these pecks are a little too PG for me.

All was right in the world. Kacie had smoochie times with Ben, Samantha was sent packing and we finally heard Casey S. speak for the first time. I could almost fall asleep until it was Courtney’s ten minutes with Ben. The girl has completely mastered this competition. She knows that Ben is already head over heels for her so instead of cooing in his ear and kissing him, she talks about how hard it is to see him go off with other girls and acts distant. Not willing to give her up just yet, Ben practically sprints to grab the rose to present to Courtney. He wasn’t going to give her the rose originally (I’m assuming it was for Kacie or Nicki) but Courtney’s need for reassurance story worked and now she is officially safe.

Elyse, you’ve been on one group date this entire season but the next one-on-one date is with Jennifer!

Ben leads Jen to a rusty looking cage covering a crater in the ground. Basically (on the most romantic date ever, obviously) the two are going to climb into the crater, hang from some ropes and then drop into the water! Be still my heart. Shocker, she’s scared of heights, which prompts the cliche “we have to be willing to take this plunge together” and “relationships are all about trust and diving into the unknown” from Ben. SIDE EYE.

After their spelunking expedition (it wasn’t exactly an expedition or spelunking, they literally went for a quick dip in cave water) the two get caught in the rain during dinner as we hear more dating history from Jennifer. Ben describes Jen as a good kisser, again, and since they’ve already swapped spit a few times, I’m assuming she is going to get a rose. And, in fact, she does. Then the two watch an outdoor Clay Walker (who?) concert on a raised table above the rest of the crowed. Literally putting a girl on a pedestal.

It’s finally time to wind down for cocktail time! The first drama of the evening is that Emily PhD is really bothered about Courtney’s behavior around the girls and is contemplating telling Ben. I strongly disagree with that. Talking smack about other girls to Ben or any guy will never be a good idea. But she blurts out a quick “I think Ben will be happy when I say something to him” before finally confronting him. FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

Ben essentially shuts down when Emily tries to talk about Courtney and more or less ends the conversation abruptly. Emily, you’re questioning Ben’s judgement, did you think he would be happy about this conversation? You in danger, girl.

Emily is now talking about their conversation to the other girls and to Casey, who really likes Courtney, immediately runs to Courtney and spills. And then, The Standoff. As much as I hate to admit it, Courtney makes a good point — you have one on one time with Ben and you talk about another girl? Not a good move. The two throw dagger-like stares at each other and question the other’s maturity level before the “fight” ends in Emily crying.

But get it together now because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time! Ben says it’s the turning point where all the emotions and love feelings are real so let’s see what happens with 8 roses and one going home!

Who stays: Rachel Nose Ring, Courtney and Jennifer already have roses; Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki(y), Kacie B., Elyse (who?), Blake, Casey S. and Emily!! Girl, you got a lot of redeeming to do.

Casualties: Samantha was sent packing like an hour ago and now Monica, bye!

Next up! Puerto Rico! Kissy time with Blake! I think Nicki(y) finally admits that she’s divorced! Elyse gets a date! Emily talks bad about Courtney, again, to Ben! Courtney and Ben go skinny dipping! The other girls are shocked!

Remember Jenna?

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