“You’ve done every thing you want to do?” (Really?)

Dramatic sigh. Let’s get on with it then. Welcome back lady-man-rose lovers to yet another installation of The Bachelor season 16 recap. Has it already been a week since the last post? Well, no, because I was a few days behind, but it seems as though this season is winding down rather quickly. With only a handful of episodes left and 11 ladies remaining, Ben F’s future wife will be chosen before you know it and I can vow to never watch another episode of this show again. The finale is the only thing I look forward to these days. Looks like the “Side-Eye of Shame” Award goes to me tonight.

Tonight in Vieques Puerto Rico: dramatic music! More Courtney drama! NUDITY! Actual, PG-13 blurred out naked parts and some tongue! I couldn’t be more excited for some action. And naturally few more “Oh my gosh, this is so beautiful!” and “This is an amazing place to fall in love!” Where isn’t a good place to fall in love, Ben?

After the ladies settle into their swanky new digs, Chris is here! What irrelevant speech is he going to give today? Oh, that’s right! The same one he gives each week: There will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week and, finally, nobody will be left behind! This means Elyse will actually get some screen time and maybe Casey S. will utter more than two words. Maybe.

Before his dramatic exit, Chris hands out the first one-on-one date card (written in Spanish, of course) that goes to… Nicki! Dang, that was a very poor Spanish accent on Jamie’s part but thankfully Emily PhD is there to translate the date card for everyone. Honestly,  “encontremos” was the most difficult word in the two-line note and I’m surprised the ladies didn’t understand “amor,” “nuevo” or “San Juan.” I know I was a Spanish double major in college but c’mon, are any of you educated?

Before the uno-en-uno begins, Ben confesses that he does in fact know that Nicki is divorced. I guess I’ve been freaking out each week for no reason! Don’t you think that reveal would have been the right amount of drama for this show? Guess not! While walking through the streets of Old San Juan, Ben drops a little Spanish (aka “si” and “de nada”) so maybe he knows la lenguaje? Doubt it.

After, oh let’s say, five minutes of nice weather and two licks of a frozen ice treat, it immediately starts to pour and now Nicki and Ben are running in the rain. This is literally (and I’m not using that for dramatic emphasis because this actually occurred) what happened with one of Ben’s one-on-one dates with Ashley during The Bachelorette. Or it could have been Constantine because during Ashley’s season Ben had a weird doppleganger who also looked like Rafael Nadal. I can’t be positive, but I guess it ain’t a season of The B– without at least one or two dates in the rain! (You thought I wasn’t going to comment on that photo I just linked to? Haha n00bs, that photo is downright frightening.)

During this date we learn that Nicki’s “flexibility” is a turn on to Ben. And by flexibility he means she is able to roll with the punches and is not fazed by the poor weather. Wow, impressive. Instead of wandering around town, the two go on an impromptu shopping spree. While Ben tries on his all-white outfit, Nicki says that Ben is “moo-ey, moo-ey, moo-ey caliente.” GIRL it’s “muy.” You are not a cow.

#ohyeah #sohot

After another dating metaphor — something about an ancient building standing the test of time and Nicki wants that in her next relationship — the two stumble upon a (foreshadowing?) wedding that brings up some familiar feelings for N.  Later during drinks — Ben said “let me get the glasses of vino” and I almost fell out of my seat with joy — Nicki opens up about love feelings and her previous marriage and Ben presents her with a rose. Very few things on this TV show make me happy. Someone saying “vino” instead of “wine” is definitely number one, followed by open mouth kisses (Nicki and Ben had a very nice closed mouth make out sesh) and the backside of Chris as he walks out of frame. Next episode I’m going to count the number of seconds that Chris Harrison is actually on screen. I want to pay someone to make a montage of all of Chris Harrison’s moments throughout the entire series and maybe it will rack up to 15 minutes.

While Nicki basks in the glow of her rosy red flower, the group date is announced and will include Lindzi, Courtney, Kacie B., Jennifer, Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie and Blakeley. This means the other one-on-one date goes to Elyse! Por fin! (Which means finally and because this is the episode in Puerto Rico I’m going to drop some más español).

During the group date Ben takes the 9 ladies to play béisbol! Emily hopes they are doing something athletic, which I’m going to say is a yes, since you were required to wear gym shorts and tennis shoes, and you’re walking into an empty baseball stadium.

Now we have drills and sprints and bating practice, oh my! How romantic. Oh, what? Here comes Chris? We never see Chris unless it’s for his pre-date speech and at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ Now he’s revealing that tonight there is a sexy beach party and in order to win some extra one-on-one time with BF, the ladies will be split into two teams to play against each other. The winning team (only five women) will be going to the beach party. And since 9 doesn’t divide evenly into two equal teams (great math skills, producers!) one girl will play on both teams and automatically get to go to the beach party. Ben gets to choose and the lucky lady is… Lindzi! (Huh? Really? Why? Not Kacie or Courtney? Whatever, already over it).

For Team Red we have Courtney, Kacie B., Casey S., Jamie and Lindzi, and Team Blue consists of Blake, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel and Lindzi x2.

The game tonight is two innings? Short and sweet, me gusta. In the first inning the red team comes out on top with 5 runs with the blue team slacking with only 3. Girls, if you know a thing about baseball, which I officially don’t, it’s not about the batting but about the field work. That is probably a lie. But Blakeley is all over the place catching fly balls and chest bumping, I’m impressed. Everyone else can’t seem to catch a grounder for their lives and I have yet to see a strong hit. But at the end of the second inning it’s 6-to-6 so it’s onto an extra inning! …And another extra inning… and another extra inning. It’s now 10 to 9 in the bottom of the 5th with Jennifer up to bat… two strikes separating Blue Team defeat and… Jennifer strikes out! Red Team wins!

Blake is sad. Jennifer cries. The Red team pops open champagne and hops into a helicopter with Ben. Cue the depressing, dark bus ride home for the four rejects.

During the group beach party, Courtney is realizing that her biggest competition is Kacie B., who is getting some background history on Ben’s dating history. Way to turn the tables! It’s probably like reading this recap if you don’t watch The Bachelor — you  have no idea who I’m talking about and you’re not invested in any of them. (Except for KB! You should love KB). But with Ben, I don’t care about your past loves. Can’t you talk about cats or like,  your favorite movie? Amanda! This is a reality show, remember? Nothing is supposed to make sense! But Kacie is such a good listener that Ben presents her with a rose. Make out time!

Immediately after returning from rose kisses, Courtney snatches Ben for a quiet walk on the beach. After some smoochie time and sexy talk from Courtney, we are promised a steamy skinny dipping episode later on. But first Elyse gets her uno-en-uno with Benjamin! (This week pronounced “Ben-ha-mean.”)

While on a private yacht Elyse admits to having achieved every thing she wants to achieve in her life. Ben is like, really? You have your bachelors and masters and moved to Florida on your own and… that’s it? You are so ambitious! But then comes Elyse’s “I quit my job and missed my best friend’s wedding, I gave up so much to be here blah blah” speech thinking that this old and abused tactic will keep Ben’s interest. Instead of continuing the conversation Ben’s like, let’s jump off the boat! And then they literally proceed to jump off the boat a few times while Elyse holds her nose like a toddler.

Later at dinner Ben brings up the “you’ve accomplished every thing” thing and she’s says “that isn’t what I meant!” Oh-kayyy. And then she admits that she is so sick of being single and Ben is like… you’re here because you’re just sick of being single? And she says “That’s not what I meant!” Oh-kayyy. After rambling for a bit more, a very obviously uncomfortable Ben politely rejects Elyse and tells her it’s time to get packing. As Elyse cries and is sent off on a boat of shame, I wonder if Ben is just like, how long do I have to stand here on the beach and watch the boat go away and pretend to be sad? The single rose floating away in the ocean is a very nice ending to a very non-existent relationship between the two. Ah, the imagery.

As Ben “sulks” (try to hide the skip in your step, man) back to the hotel room (I wonder why the cameras are still following me? The date is over!) he turns around and there’s Courtney for a “nightcap.” “Do you want me to pour you a bath?” Courtney offers. “Do you want a little massage?” she purrs. “How about that promise of a skinny dip?” she offers. Ben thinks this is probably a bad idea but “why the hell not?” he says! His brain says no but his smiley face says yes! And here we have it! The scene of all scenes! Stripping and blurred out body parts and open mouth kissing! My strange bachelor fantasies have finally come to pass! And… commercial time. Oh ABC, you sly, sly fox.

Welp, it’s cocktail time! And other than generic one-on-one date time conversations and kissy times (and an uber-desperate Blake! (okay, I wrote that before I watched their one-on-one moment and it was actually very sweet. Blake is growing on me)), nothing to report. Oh, except Emily PhD shoots herself in the foot. Again! I throw my hands up in the air sometimes! (Yes, I stole that from this song but this is a very appropriate moment to say this). Emily starts with an apology and a great speech about not worrying about the other girls and how she wishes she never said anything about Courtney last week and then… TALKS ABOUT COURTNEY. AGAIN. Girl. I revoke the Side-Eye of Shame Award from myself and present it to you. Ben, obviously uncomfortable again, tells her to “tread lightly”  (dun dun dun) and their one-on-one time is over. I’m thinking these last ten minutes will be very, very predictable. Well, time to find out because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time!

Who stays: Nicki and Kacie B. already have roses, Lindzi, Jamie (she’s the new “who?”), Rachel, Courtney, Casey S., Blake and Emily all get a rose! Girl, he must really see something in you so you better never bring Courtney up ever again.

Casualties: Elyse did not receive a rose on her uno-en-uno and now Jennifer is sent packing, crying with a fit of the hiccups. That’s a little surprising because I thought he had more chemistry with Jen than with Jamie but I guess Ben Flajnik is a little trickster and he is trolling us all!

Next up! Panama City, Panama (the most glamorous city in Central America? Really, Ben?)! One-on-one date with Kacie B! Casey S. hysterically crying and getting hugged by Chris? Ben confronts Courtney about her odd behavior? So many questions! Exclamation points!

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