“Well, first, how are you?”

Hi lady lovers and sorry I am so late with this week’s recap of The Bachelor! It was my birthday this past weekend and work has been stressful and then last night I was going to watch Monday’s episode at home but my cable wasn’t working and then my Flash plug-in wasn’t working on my computer… stop. No excuses. I’m late. If I were on this show I don’t think Ben would give me a rose. *tear*

Now, I haven’t even started this week’s episode yet and I’m already guessing that Ben will say that Panama City “is the perfect place to fall in love!” I’ll try to note it each time he does. That reminds me, did you all see “Shit Girls Say on The Bachelor?” It really opens your eyes to how repetitive they all sound. It’s all, “we have a connection” this and “I really feel a connection” that and sobs and heavy sighs and tears. It makes me just plain giddy just to watch this episode now! *THREE SPOONS OF SARCASM, PLEASE*

Now that it’s down to nine ladies, tonight we have Ben thinking he could really spend the rest of his life with some of these women! And waterfalls! Courtney stalking Jamie (who?) and drama with Casey! Did someone die? Why is she leaving the show? All that and more tonight… on The Bachelor.

Once they arrive in Panama the girls pull up to the Trump Ocean Club hotel, which honestly looks like a giant vagina, but hey! I’m a journalist, not an architect, so who am I to judge their lovely accommodations?  I see that Casey is wearing the outfit that she was seen crying in during the previews, so maybe her early departure will be… earlier rather than later? (PS, it’s not until way later.)

Ben feels excited and, here we go, he thinks there are some women here he could really see himself with for the rest of his life. “There are signs of love in the air” so I guess the love feelings are really there. Dude, I wish you wouldn’t have said “love feelings” in the first episode because I’m getting really tired of writing that. Oh well, no time for complaints because it’s time for the first one-on-one date card and it goes to… Kacie B! Take note, she is the first girl to get her second one-on-one date, but will their love survive? She is told to pack three things and now she is off on her date with Ben! (Who is wearing all black tennis shoes and, blerg, that’s a big turnoff for me. But again, I am not dating Ben F!) Helicopter ride! I’m literally crying. Not because this is so beautiful but because I’m suffering from the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. Was it the Cajun chicken sandwich I had earlier? Is this peach white tea I’m drinking now helping? Some website said I should drink apple cider vinegar but uh… no thanks. Oh wait! Back to the most interesting show on earth. Ben and Kacie are now on their deserted island and Kacie packed a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy! Oh… kay… how old are you? And Ben brought a machete, fishing net and matches. Wow! You’re reasonable and practical and Kacie brought a stuffed animal?

Throughout the montage of coconut cutting (really, Kacie, is watching Ben cut a coconut sexy? It seems difficult) and fishing we hear a lot of “Partnership!” “Encouraging each other!” “Being there for each other!” “Team work!” “If we can live on a deserted island together we can probably have a life together!” “Helping each other!” “Providing for each other!” “We can make it on our own!” Blah. Blah. Blah.

Later, during their private dinner, we find out that Kacie, unfortunately, had an eating disorder in high school, which might explain her having to grow up faster than other people her age. She talks about the life lessons it taught her and opening up to Ben, and while this is a very sad yet touching story, I can just hear Ben now, “Oh em gee, she like, really opened up 2nite!” And then yep, verbatim from Ben we have: “She opened up to me and that takes guts and that makes me, I don’t know, like her even more.” DUH. And, shocker of my life, she gets a rose. Kacie’s sentiments are, “On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic.” Yes, that is a very “adult” way to describe a date. And you said you act older than people your age?

While Kacie is getting a rose from Ben the next dates are announced! On the group date we have Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney and Jamie. And then, on the dreaded two-on-one date we have Blakeley and Rachel. For some reason Blake is extremely excited about this two-on-one but obviously doesn’t realize that on two-on-one dates one person is definitely going home. Right? Is that right? I’m totally making that up. I’m going to look it up now… According to Wikipedia, both women could be eliminated on this date but it doesn’t say that both women could stay, either. It just says that the male contestants traditionally break the rules (oh, badasses!) but I’m going to assume that Blake or Rachel will go home during this date. Oh and then later the date card says that there will only be one rose so either Rachel or Blake is definitely going home.

While those two soak that in, during the group date the ladies meet Ben in the jungle. After boating through the river the ladies and Ben spy some local children playing soccer along the banks — the ball just happens to fall in the river and the children just happen  to run away — so Ben and the gals find themselves among a native Panamanian tribe. And how convenient that the tribal women have traditional garb for the ladies and the chief has a loin cloth for Ben? How spontaneous! Courtney, of course, finds it necessary to not wear a bathing suit with her beaded shirt, which naturally bothers the other ladies. She proceeds to call the other girls “prudes” but in my opinion it doesn’t make you a prude if you don’t want your nipples exposed to camera men, producers, other women, complete strangers and the man you are trying to fall in love with through compatibility and personality. Unfortunately, Ben “appreciates in more than on way” that Courtney wasn’t wearing a proper top. And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the “Side Eye Award of Shame” goes to Ben Flajnik for being a total and complete pervert.

During the cocktail part of the group date I decide that Lindzi (with her horrible name and all) is growing on me. She seems genuine and easy going and I can appreciate their laid back conversation. Courtney, however, takes Ben aside and does another 180 on us. She pulls another “It’s Just Getting Hard for Me” speech, even though they spent the majority of the group date together, and Ben, again, gets this strange puppy dog look on his face that means that Courtney will get whatever she wants. Although she seems very hot and cold, confident and insecure, Ben likes that she is assertive towards him. Is it assertive or aggressive? I’m not sure if Flajnik knows the difference.

During an extremely uncomfortable conversation with Jamie (who?), we catch some glimpses of Courtney in the background flaunting her modelesque figure and trying to take the attention off Jamie. I feel bad for the girl — it’s hard for Ben to concentrate on innocent Jamie when sexy and outlandish Courtney is in the pool splashing about. Alas, Jamie walks off, still without a first kiss with Ben. Emily impresses both Ben and me tonight by being very funny and ignoring the past drama with Courtney. And she even apologizes to Courtney! Until Courtney verbally slaps Emily in the face and doesn’t accept any word. This, again, is just Courtney’s true colors showing through. I think it’s a huge warning sign when a girl cannot get along with other girls, no? And although Courtney pulled her little woe is me trick, it’s Lindzi who gets the rose! You go girl!

Then, more Courtney drama. During her little one-on-one sesh with Ben, she offered him her room number expecting that he would run up there immediately following the group date for a night cap. Well, you were wrong girl! She’s tired of men not treating her like she should be treated but uh, newsflash! If you’re going to act like a slut, you’re going to be treated like a slut. Do you think Ben keeps what’s-her-face Jamie around because she’s interesting? No! She’s holding back and he is intrigued. You throwing yourself at him left and right is what keeps getting you group dates. It’s time to hold it back, stop saying how insecure you are when you rip your clothes off in front of him any chance you get, and start acting a little bit mysterious! LORD! I’m not saying you shouldn’t be affectionate but man, give the guy some room to breathe. He’ll want you more if you’re not constantly offering him your body any chance you get.

During the two-on-one date Ben takes Blake and Rachel salsa dancing! He’s over all of the “go with the flow” dates and now he’s looking for someone with chemistry. The entire date is a lot of trying to steal Ben for another dance, awkward hip gestures and Ben just sort of standing there. At this point I think I like Rachel more. She’s not all about using her sexuality and she just seems more fun loving and easy going. Blake seems… trashy? Not that I would use “classy” to describe Rachel but Rachel does seems goofy and fun. During their one-on-one time Blake gets very emotional. And then the most awkward thing of my life occurred.

Blake. Made. A. Scrapbook. Like, a construction paper, handmade book with words cut from a magazine pasted onto the pages. Words like “San Francisco” and “wine” and “Puerto Rico.” This book describes all of the reasons why she likes Ben through magazine cut outs. That’s right, not a note or a list like a normal person, but a stalker-y craft she probably put together while the other ladies were on a group date. Are these women even allowed access to magazines? Thankfully Ben seems just as freaked out as I do and Rachel receives the rose. Blake storms off and Rachel brags in her confession a la Courtney. And then we are presented with a somber scene: a lone, stray cat meowing as it walks along the glistening pavement. Blakeley sobbing in Ben’s arms. Rachel smelling her rose. Goodbye Blake!

The next morning Chris Harrison shows up! And we have to assume that it’s serious because why would Chris show up other than to give useless speeches? After he pulls Casey S. aside for a private conversation, Chris reveals that it was brought to his attention from three separate people that Casey is in fact *gasp* in love with someone else and not in love with Ben! She gives a very juvenile explanation of her situation saying that she is still in love with her ex Michael but she does not want to be in love with him because he doesn’t want to marry her. Oh, alright then. Well let’s talk to Ben, Chris says! Ben is obviously surprised to see Chris with Casey. She starts, “Well, first, how are you?” Uhhh fine? Ben says in confusion. Then Casey goes into her story that she is not completely over her ex-boyfriend but it’s not holding her back and Ben is like… yeah, he is holding you back. Casey is crying and saying “like” every other word so when Ben sends her home I am not surprised. I would have sent her home for her lack of verbal skills alone and not because she had an ex she still loved, but whatever. Bye Casey! I hope they at least let you put shoes on before you got on your plane.

After Chris breaks the news (and ominously tells the ladies that you better freaking love Ben!) it’s cocktail party time! Now, if I thought Blakely’s homemade scrapbook was the most awkward thing of my life, I was dead wrong. Jamie and Ben had a very… interesting one-on-one chat. During her confessional Jamie admits,  “Damn I’m really prude!” (Ugh, no, you can say “I am prudish” or “I act like a prude” but “I am prude” is not grammatically correct.) Jamie proceeds to tell and act out her fantasies with Ben — she sits on top of him, makes out with him and can’t stop laughing and then feels extremely embarrassed, just like me. After regretting that first kiss, Ben offers that they try again. This time Jamie talks him through their kiss. Yes, she says, “first we will have our mouths closed and then we will open them.” “That’s generally how kissing works,” Ben quips as Jamie begins a strange battle of kissing, talking and giggling. I took a series of photos of myself during this five minute-long session to show just how uncomfortable I felt but it’s too late to post them because it’s ~*Rose Ceremony*~ time!

Who stays: Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel already have roses from their dates, and Nicki, Courtney and Emily all receive roses during the ceremony.

Casualties: Blakeley was sent home on the two-on-one and Casey S. was eliminated for being in lurve~* with someone else, and now Jamie is being eliminated. Now I truly feel like all of the random girls have been weeded out and it’s down to the wire. Only six women left!

Next up! The exotic and tropical country of Beliz! Kacie is falling in love with Ben! Courtney and Ben make out! Ben is confronted about Courtney’s true colors! It’s almost time for hometowns and we shall see who survives another week!

#okay #justataste #secondhandembarrassment

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