“The love feelings are there.”

Hey ya’ll (yes, it’s back to “ya’ll”) and welcome to this week’s installment of The Bachelor recap! I intentionally waited until today (riiiiight) to update because I updated this blog last Thursday and if I have to wait a week+ to watch then you have to wait a week+ to read! Boom, I have the power!

This week… Beliz! 6 incredible women! Jumping off helicopters! Courtney and Ben make out time! Dramaz~* with the other ladies and Courtney! All that and more tonight… on The Bachelor.

BB (Bachelor Ben, duh) introduces us to Beliz and the (name drop!) Coco Beach Resort all while wearing a man tank top –- the best kind of tank top if you ask me. What should we call this? A mank top? A disgusting shirt that should never be worn by the male species ever again? Herp derp?

#supladies

Ben immediately lets us know that “the feelings of love are there.” And I’m like, why? Why do you speak like this? Why can’t you just say, “I’m falling in love with these women?” Why is all “love feelings” this and “feelings of love” that? It doesn’t make sense – it must be all that wine that you’re fermenting! It’s going to his brain. But he better be using his noggin (and not his little Ben) this week because only four ladies are receiving roses and Ben will be meeting their families in the next episode. The pressure is on.

Chris Harrison welcomes the ladies to their tropical destination — what a great place to fall in love! The four women who receive roses this week will be taking Ben to their hometowns to meet their families so you better tell Ben how much you love him or you might be going home! Love is srs bsns to Chris Harrison. He continues: In Beliz there will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses will be up for grabs on the one-on-one dates but there will be one on the group date and a guaranteed Ben-meeting-family time! Chris whips out the first one-on-one date card that goes to… Lindzi! I remember that Lindzi was growing on me last week but now I can’t remember why. She wears too much eyeliner and makeup in general and that is distracting me from her decent (honestly, I don’t even know) personaility.

During their date Ben takes Lindzi to “The Blue Hole.” Inside The Blue Hole, which is surrounded by coral reef, is a 500 foot drop off  into the deep blue sea. What about the rest of the ocean? Why isn’t it as special? I guess we’ll never know because they are taking the plunge into the hole. “Gosh, I could die in a few seconds,” says Lindzi, who I’m not sure if she is genuinely scared or not. Girl, I really doubt Ben or the producers or this helicopter pilot would let you jump into water if you could die. After they “take the plunge like you would take the plunge in a relationship” Ben says, “I feel like when I’m with Lindzi there is nothing we can’t accomplish together.” How sweet. The two are actually falling for each other. Get it? Because they fell into the ocean!?

During dinner Ben calls wine “vino” again! I’m falling in love with Ben as well. (Not really.) Ben and Lindzi are sitting on the dock on pillows and blankets talking about their relationship. Ben decides that the two of them are going to write a letter and send it off in a bottle. Lindzi thinks it’s romantic butI think it’s effing strange. Maybe I’m not a “romantic” but this just seems cheesy with camera men and producers watching and with perfect lighting on them in the dark (I know that’s not the candles). It just doesn’t seem genuine. They “seal their bond with an eternal promise” and toss the glass bottle into the ocean — liter bugs!

The next date card is about to be presented and uh, who is the sixth lady? Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki, Courtney, Emily… oh and there she is! Rachel! Lol, I forgot about Rachel. Guess what? She does not get the next one-on-one date because it is for… Emily!

It’s a super, super cool date today with Emily and Ben. Riding bikes and “other stuff” — a carefree “easy peasey” date! The two are enjoying the simple things: high fives, holding hands on the beach, drinking beers, shopping. Emily feels like she’s on vacation with her boyfriend and I agree — this date seems very laid back, easy going, very real. “I can see myself loving this woman,” says Ben. After “randomly” diving for lobsters and playing basketball with locals, it’s dinner time for the super cool couple. Emily still regrets talking about Courtney because they lost some time together but today they focused on each other. Emily extends a formal invitation for him to meet her family in North Carolina – woo! And drinking more beer for once instead of vino! This is my kind of girl/guy dating combo.

Meanwhile, back at the house… Courtney is laying in bed with Lindzi complaining about Emily and Ben’s Date. Courtney wants Ben to stick up for her and have her back when people treat her like crap — aka Emily called her out for being awkward as hell, which I don’t think qualifies because she did apologize — but Ben hasn’t done that for her as he is currently on a date with Emily. Courtney feels worn out and sheds a tear (a real tear?) during a confessional about how uncomfortable she feels that Ben is on a date with Emily. If Courtney doesn’t receive the next one-on-one date then she will probably not accept a rose at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ (HA doubt it).

Each confessional throughout this episode is the women saying the same thing — “It’s hard to share a boyfriend with five other girls!” “It’s strange that five other women are having the same feelings as me!” Whatever, cry me a river! This is what you signed up for. Time to stop moping because the next one-on-one  date card appears and it goes to… Courtney! She just coos and cahs and gloats and acts like this is completely normal behavior and Kacie wants to literally leap across the room and punch her in the face. Firey! But that means the group date will be Rachel, Nicki and Kacie. One of them will definitely get a rose!

Courtney and Ben go to some ancient Mayan ruins on their one-on-one. Jesus, I am tired of writing one-on-one. From now on it will be solo date but it’s kind of late for that because there will be no more solo dates for the rest of the season. Ben wanted to take Courtney on this date because it’s stuff that he likes to do — hiking and exploring ruins and temples. How appropriate for a self-centered model! While the explore the ruins Courtney admits that the spark has fizzled between the two of them.  (This, again, I doubt. I think she just feels threated by the other ladies and she might not “win.”) She wants to “unload” a bunch of feelings on him (poker face)… sexual innuendo joke instead goes here. Emily said nasty things to Courtney and it bummed her out that Ben didn’t stand up for her. “I lost the spark, babe!” she screams! However, Ben says that he would be devastated if Courtney didn’t accept a rose from him. Snore.

Ben goes into a tangent about Courtney — she is the one girl who continues to stand out among the other women and he wants someone who’s a little bit “weird” — she’s unique and he likes that about her. If by “weird” and “unique” you mean obnoxious, selfish and batshit, then you’ve hit the nail on the head, BB! Ben admits that he wants to meet her family so does this mean she will automatically get a rose at the ~*Rose Ceremony*~? (Weird punctuation action going on there. Whateva!)

During dinner the spark is definitely back on, until Ben brings up the fact that Courtney doesn’t seem to get along with the other women. Courtney claims that she has tried really hard to be friends with everyone (not true) and says that these women are too “into themselves” (not true), which is why Courtney can’t connect with them (not true). She also admits that she has a lot of good friends back home but they are mostly guys (immediate look of terror on Ben’s face) and Courtney thinks the other women are too vanilla. Ben has concerns that she cannot connect with others but she is not impressed by these “girls” (they aren’t even women to her!) and when Ben brings this all up he notices that she gets defensive and wants to drop the conversation. But he still finds it hard to believe that Courtney is two-faced. Really?

The argument is dropped and just in time because the group date is announced! We already know that it is going to Rachel, Nicki and Kacie. The card? Appropriately says,“Let’s ‘sea’ whose family I will meet.” Clever!

Ben wakes the group date ladies at FOUR AM! Too early, man! They scramble to quickly shave legs and armpits and then they are off on a boat with Ben! Wouldn’t it hurt to be in the salt water right after shaving your legs? Ouchies, I say! But today isn’t just about a nice day on a boat — they are also swimming with sharks! Perfect! Now that your legs have a few cuts on them from dry shaving this morning, let your open wounds attract plenty of sharks! Ugh, and now here comes the “relationships are all about facing your fears and blah blah blah” speech. More clichés!

Rachel seems to be a bit more nervous than the rest of the girls (uh, sharks!) but what scares Kacie is not the sharks but that Rachel is monopolizing on her time with Ben. At piña colada time later that afternoon, Nicki wants to tell the ocean and the sand and palm trees that she is falling in love with Ben even though she doesn’t really tell Ben. But Kacie does! Kacie is not only ready… she’s super ready for Ben to meet her family. After some smoochie time,  it’s time for the big, big rose! Will it go to Rachel who faced her fears with the sharks? Will it go to Nicki? The two of them have such easy conversations. Nope, it goes to my girl Kacie for really opening up.

After the rose is presented to Kacie it’s time to throw Courtney under the bus. Rachel sort of stays out of it but Kacie and Nicki are not having any more of this Courtney drama hang over their heads. Courtney is here for the wrong reasons. She is here to win. She is not here to fall in love. She loves the competition, not the potential love feelings, which is why I agree with the Nicki and KB for speaking with Ben. “We want you to be cautious about Courtney,” Nicki says ominiously. Ben wonders if he is seeing a different person and hello, you are! Remember last night when Courtney was defensive and admitted that she only had good guy friends? How is that not a warning sign? If Courtney ends up winning this whole thing and she and Ben are sitting at home watching this together I hope he’s like… crap. Courtney is poison.

The next night (or the same night, I can never tell time in Bachelor land) while the women are waiting for Ben to come downstairs, every one is speaking about their concerns and worries for the night… except Courtney. She is peppy and trying to liven it up and says to the other ladies, “You know, Ben isn’t the only man in the world!” obviously trying to tell the ladies is time to pack up because she thinks she has this “competition” in the bag. Emily is visibly upset by her actions but it’s no time to pout because here comes Chris Harrison! There will be no cocktail time tonight because Ben’s mind is already made up about who will stay and who will go. So no vino for you, it’s time for the ~*Rose Ceremony*~

Before the ~*Rose Ceremony*~ beings, Ben pulls Courtney aside. While the other ladies freak out — is she going home or staying? — Ben wants to know if Courtney is in this for the right reason. Courtney tells him that it’s been hard for her that these other women have been talking about her and she tells Ben that she has been nothing but honest and open. Ugh, not totally. Ben let’s her blabber on, doesn’t stick up for himself and just says ok! They walk back to the group and now it’s time to present the final roses.

Who stays: Kacie already has a rose and now Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney receive the delicate flower. See you and your families next week! (I just realized how funny it is that Courtney calls the other women “girls” when she skips and hops over to Ben and then back to the other ladies. And she speaks in her silly girl voice and is really immature.)

Casualties:  Bye bye to Rachel and Emily! Smell ya later!

Next week! Kacie jumping into Ben’s arms! Lindzi riding horses with Ben! Meeting fathers and mothers and families! Kacie’s dad would say “no” if Ben asked for her hand in marriage! Scary dads!

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